I always have this feeling—maybe it's brought on by being in college, I don't know—but this feeling that I am always being prepared for something and need to make sure that I am doing what I can to get ready.
I feel it especially when I think about my aloneness and my desire for a wholehearted and healthy love.
For as long as I can remember, this has been my biggest longing. It is never far from my thoughts.
I can be having a wonderful experience, say at a concert or at a park looking up at the stars or last night where I got to eat for free at this new fancy restaurant by my work.
Whatever it is, I will be present and enjoying myself and feeling that rare feeling of joy, but the thought enters into my head:
"Imagine how much better this would be if you were sharing it with someone who loved you."
And when I say that I've had that feeling for as long as I can remember, I mean it. My parents were not capable of loving me and accepting me the way I needed and I have memories of laying in bed as a kid, imagining what it would be like to be held and cherished.
As soon as I became aware of girls and my desire to be liked by girls, I began to dream of one that would really love me.
The picture in my head of the perfect woman has changed significantly over the years, but the feeling—that longing to be truly accepted and loved and cherished—that has always remained with me.
And so with every experience, sometimes subconsciously, sometimes not, I think about what I learned and how it has helped me get to the place where I will meet that person who loves me.
If a relationship ends, I scour every detail to see what I can learn from it. And then I try to fix that component. Fix whatever is wrong with me that keeps me from being loved.
When I pick up a book or choose a movie, somewhere in the back of my mind is the question of how will this book or movie help me become a better person? What will it teach me? Will reading the classics make me more desirable? Will this film provide me with some insight into the human condition?
I choose escapism and fantasy and geekery a lot because it allows my brain to focus on something other than my inadequacy.
And maybe this love that I have always had in mind just doesn't exist. Or maybe it has presented itself but I didn't recognize it or wasn't ready or scared it away.
Emily was the closest, so I cling to her memory. Even though I know that if you keep clinging to the rock you'll drown.
This morning, I keep telling myself to stop. Stop trying to become better and somehow worthy of love. Stop scanning the horizon. Stop preparing for the future. Stop looking at my emptiness. Stop it all.
Just be.
Just exist for a bit.
And so I am trying.
It's just a lot harder to do than it would seem.
8:54 a.m. - 2016-08-07
Recent entries:
I honestly don't know if I am making sense - 2016-08-24
I think I give up - 2016-08-20
Addendum - 2016-08-18
Me in Real Life - 2016-08-18
A Pun about being a "Fun Guy" would be appropriate - 2016-08-09
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