I did mushrooms yesterday.
I had mushrooms today too, but they were just regular mushrooms and in a lasagna so that doesn't matter as much.
And I guess the mushrooms I had yesterday didn't matter that much either. It seems I didn't take enough. I didn't really trip or see visions or have a major breakthrough or anything like that.
But I did cry a lot and talk a lot about what I was feeling. I do feel like a purged out a lot of psychological garbage.
My friend's girlfriend guided me through the process. She was sweet and caring and affirming and patient as I spewed out all of the negativity that has been building up.
I told her about Emily and how she has been on my mind. That no one has dared love me the way she did. That I am scared no one will have the ability to see potential in me and the patience to help me through all of my defense mechanisms and damage.
And as the mushrooms kicked in (though they never really fully kicked in) I felt very warm and connected to everything.
I remembered that I have chosen the harder life.
I have not settled or given in to the societal pressure that would just have me with some job and some wife in some house in some suburb.
I am seeking something beyond all that. I am seeking truth and beauty and vibrancy and color. I am pursuing my dream.
I might fail at all of those things. But it's okay. I am trying.
And maybe there is no perfect love out there for me, but I myself am love. I create it and give it out to everyone I meet.
My friend's girlfriend asked me why I can't love myself as openly and fully as Emily loved me. Why I can't be as patient and accepting to myself as she was.
It's a fine question.
I don't know the answer.
But I am going to try to really love myself.
And the next time I get the chance, I am going to double the dosage. I want to really trip balls.
10:17 p.m. - 2016-08-09
Recent entries:
Truth (A Poem) - 2016-08-25
I honestly don't know if I am making sense - 2016-08-24
I think I give up - 2016-08-20
Addendum - 2016-08-18
Me in Real Life - 2016-08-18
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