About five hours ago, I wrote a long and kind of embarrassing entry where I, being a very insecure and anxious person, had assumed that this woman I had just met had rejected me.
I'll keep it up for posterity. But I need to make an addendum. I've learned a lesson in vulnerability and I am pretty happy I did.
Normally, I would stay feeling insecure and just bask in my misery and self-loathing, but then pretend like I was cool when talking to the person. Of course, all my self-doubt would make me act weird, maybe a little distant, maybe a little quiet. And soon enough I would be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For example, with my last girlfriend Alayna. I didn't know this until over a year later, but the day we broke up she wasn't trying to break up with me at all, but just wanted to talk through some problems we were having. But I was so certain that her "hey, can we talk?" automatically meant getting dumped that I actually said, "you don't need to tell me, I know." And then totally proceeded to break up with myself. That's when she realized how tired she was of always having to validate me and decided to just let me think she was dumping me.
So my insecurity sabotages me all the time. Like that above story is totally fucked up.
But I met somebody and I really like her. She seems so kind and empathetic and funny and smart and sexy.
And things we're going well, we had our first date last night.
And my brain twisted it into thinking that she had a horrible time.
And so I sat here in misery all day.
But then I thought, "what if I just check in?"
And so I did. I sent a text saying:
"Hey, last night I was a little nervous because frankly you are just beautiful and exciting, I'm sorry if I talked too much or anything."
And then I really beat myself up. Now she's going to know that I am desperate and insecure.
A few hours later, she wrote back saying that actually everything was fine.
Kind of ambiguous. I started creating a narrative that she was just being nice and that I'll never hear from her again.
But then I thought, "What if I just tell her what I am feeling?"
And so I wrote:
"That's good to know. It's been a while since I've had a crush, and I have a crush on you. I am just nervous, I guess."
And she thanked me for my honesty. And said she really liked that. And that she was still interested.
I can't say what will happen. I still might not ever see her again. But I am proud of myself for just being honest. This is a habit that can only help me in the future.
5:48 p.m. - 2016-08-18
Recent entries:
Attractive - 2016-08-30
Cercle de la Mort - 2016-08-28
Truth (A Poem) - 2016-08-25
I honestly don't know if I am making sense - 2016-08-24
I think I give up - 2016-08-20
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