I broke down and went back to OkCupid on Sunday morning.
When I woke up on Monday, I had a message.
Her pictures are jaw-droppingly cute. Dark hair, lots of tattoos. She is a writer and an editor and presently getting her MFA.
I instantly felt this electric connection with her. She felt it too. She said so.
We wrote back and forth, more and more each time. By yesterday afternoon, we were basically writing little novellas to each other.
She wrote me this story about how I am a tree and a lovely bluebird has chosen me for a mate. I won't get into the details of it, but it was really beautiful. I started calling her blue bird. She said she really liked that.
By yesterday evening we were talking about how much we wanted to touch each other and kiss each other. Everything was happening fast, but it felt organic and natural.
I loved everything she wrote. She loved everything I wrote.
I ended my last message to her with a "let me know when you would like to meet."
She wrote back minutes later:
" I am free to meet now. Right now. Meet me in Montauk. Meet me in the alley behind your place. Meet me at The Snug. I don't care. Just meet me."
I was jittery and nervous and excited. It seemed too good to be true.
Before I knew it she was at the bar next door to my house and I was looking in her beautiful dark eyes.
We talked. We told each other stories. She knew that I didn't have much time because my brother and sister-in-law were on their way from their rural town to stay on my floor for the night. They had an early flight out of Denver.
But she and I talked anyway. We got another drink.
My brother and sister-in-law showed up. I had them join us. The four of us talked for another 30-45 minutes.
I was feeling good. God, she was beautiful. I told her so.
I gave my brother the keys to my place so I could walk her to her car.
It was here that I noticed that the temperature with her had dropped. She seemed suddenly distant. She started talking a lot about how busy her life is right now.
I leaned in for the first kiss that we had wistfully spent paragraphs describing in anticipation. She stopped me, telling me she doesn't kiss on the first date.
I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said, "so second date?"
She looked away.
"well...maybe"
I walked back to my place.
My brother and sister-in-law already laying down and ready for sleep.
We talked a little but they were out quick.
And I lay in the darkness on my bed wondering what had just happened.
I know I could just be paranoid, but I am a fairly sensitive and empathetic sort of person and typically have a good sense of how people are feeling.
And I was feeling that she had cooled towards me significantly.
Did I talk too much?
Did I say something wrong?
Am I too fat or ugly?
Did I touch her too much?
She was so excited to meet me. What was it about meeting me that proved so disappointing?
I lay in the darkness, my mind and anxiety racing.
I would occasionally check my phone for the time.
11:00, 11:30, 12:15, 1:45, 2:20, 2:45, 3:07 and so on.
I may have dozed off for a bit here and there, but never for very long. I gave up on the whole enterprise at around 4:30.
I sent her a text. I was trying not to seem desperate. So I sent her a Rumi quote that I had just read and told her that I hoped she would have a beautiful day. She replied with a smiley emoji. Are our days of long and thoughtful messages already over?
Maybe I am reading it all wrong.
Maybe I am being paranoid and insecure.
All I can do is wait, I guess.
But waiting feels awful.
I sometimes wonder if JD Salinger and Bill Watterson became recluses because they were able to communicate something with the written word that always got lost in real life.
I wonder if I should do the same.
I am charming on the page. In person I remind people about how busy their life is and how they "can't possibly even think about dating right now."
I have heard that a lot this year.
Ah well. I am one with the cosmos. Who needs love when you have a word processor?
12:03 p.m. - 2016-08-18
Recent entries:
Cercle de la Mort - 2016-08-28
Truth (A Poem) - 2016-08-25
I honestly don't know if I am making sense - 2016-08-24
I think I give up - 2016-08-20
Addendum - 2016-08-18
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