There are so many words needing to come out of me.
They are dying inside my brain, like so many before them.
But I only have these two hands and this one mouth. Only one word can escape at a time.
But there are so many, they all feel so urgent. All these ideas and conflicting emotions. Recent events to analyze. Inner-depths to explore.
And everything keeps trying to come out at once, blocking the exit and leaving me in silence.
I've been doing spiritual direction a couple of times a month for a few months now. It feels just like therapy and I'm not entirely sure what the difference is between the two. It's been good for me.
Some big questions and struggles have presented themselves in that space. They feel like root issues—the motivating factor in so many of my decisions and ways of being. I am sure that, as I dig deeper, I will see that maybe these things have their own root causes. But these things are big enough to deal with right now.
I don't think I can express these things right now. I am not sure there is a need to.
But they are big and heavy thoughts. I cried a lot during my last two sessions. And then a lot more afterward.
And then the rest of my time in a sort of dissociative haze. All these intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Paralyzed from making any decision about anything. My body feels so tense.
All this stuff is coming to the surface. And that's good. But it is also so painful. So all-encompassing. I feel succumbed to emotion, but none of it can get out (save my twice-monthly spiritual direction sessions).
It's like I am a frozen river and am starting to feel the water rush deep under the layers of ice. Which is to say that there is a thaw of sorts happening. All that is required for that process to continue is time and sunshine.
It's all discomfort right now though. Prickling sensations and selective mutism.
So many feelings, so many thoughts, so many words. All so trapped inside me.
This is a process. Everything is a process.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
11:05 a.m. - 2023-03-16
Recent entries:
Falling down a spiral staircase of the brain - 2023-04-27
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A Tribute to My Bookstore Surrounded by Other News - 2023-04-07
Observe and Report - 2023-04-01
To be Good. But Actually Good. - 2023-03-21
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