I've been around the therapeutic block enough to avoid ever using words like "cured."
I know this brain inside this skull for the duration of this particular Earth ride. I know it's about learning to manage, developing strategies, and pressing on despite what my feelings might say.
I even said all of that during my session last Wednesday when I said, for the first time in some time, that I was feeling pretty good about myself.
I made sure to say "in this moment" and "the way I feel right now" when I discussed the bone-deep affirmation I was soaking in.
I said a lot of things then that felt absolutely true. Things that I can't even drum up in my brain right now to recall.
We talked about it in the session. How I was certain that the good feelings would eventually fade. I wasn't expecting it this soon, but still.
My spiritual director reminded me that the good I was feeling, I've felt before. And the bad that I've felt, I'll feel again. That healing isn't linear. It's a spiral. Yes, it feels like we are going around in circles sometimes. Yes, we've been this way before. But each time is different. Is deeper. More nuanced. There is growth in the circle, even if we don't always see it.
And so I try to remember that now, when suddenly (and almost violently) I began to feel like a giant piece of shit this afternoon.
I'm not sure what triggered it. I don't think I was thinking of anything specific.
I was planning on writing something else today but didn't get around to it. Maybe that's what it was. I don't know.
I feel so many terrible things right now. My inner voice is loud and cruel.
But I am trying to play the part of the security guard that I am: Observe and report.
That's what I'm doing. I'm just observing my thoughts and feelings. Just letting them be. They're like the weather, they'll pass in time.
God damn though, I was really enjoying that rare glimpse of mental sunshine.
I hope it returns soon.
6:38 p.m. - 2023-04-01
Recent entries:
Sarah and Her Animal Companions - 2023-05-21
At the Bottom of the Staircase - 2023-04-30
Falling down a spiral staircase of the brain - 2023-04-27
- - 2023-04-13
A Tribute to My Bookstore Surrounded by Other News - 2023-04-07
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