My God, what a rough few days I've had. Holy shit.
I'm gonna blame the lack of sleep for a lot of it. It set the stage.
I am still so tired. I guess the work week ended for me a few hours ago. But it starts up again tomorrow morning.
Suddenly going from working three days a week to six is an adjustment. But the fact that three (and only three) of those shifts are overnight is the killer.
I am not sleeping well or nearly enough during the day, which has taken its toll rather quickly.
I've been constantly nauseated alongside this constant buzzing in my brain. My hand-eye coordination is way off, my eyes won't focus, I found myself sitting at a stop sign for an incredibly long time, thinking it was a traffic light that would never turn green.
And so easily irritated by everything. I started crying in anger the other morning Because I was having trouble plugging my phone into the charger.
But beyond this, or rather meanwhile, my chief frenemy asked me to be a test reader for the manuscript of his new memoir. The bastard is getting published by a big-name publisher. His advance was more than I've made in the last three years combined.
I've been trying to work on my book for the last few years but had to be primarily focused on simply surviving. But I've also been over-preparing for it. Doing a ton of research, reading other books on the subject, etc.
And it's not like this guy stole my idea for his book, but we are both working on memoirs and we both have eerily similar lives. And he already has his book deal. He beat me to the punch.
I shouldn't have agreed to read his manuscript. I apparently also shouldn't have done so for free (but I didn't know people got compensated for that sort of thing). But reading it was very weird and very triggering on so many different levels. All of which I was about to list, but maybe I'll save that for a later entry.
He writes about me in the last chapter. It is not a flattering portrayal. It's only a few sentences, so I wasn't bothered by it. But a few paragraphs later, he talks about how he has many writer and artist friends who haven't made it because they lack hustle and a proper work ethic as he does. And I then thought about all the free labor that my friends and I have done for him over the years for the sake of "exposure" and the professional help he always promises but never delivers and started fuming.
But I also started spiraling.
And then a tiny bit of fitful sleep, and I awake to texts from one of my closest friends saying that they feel like I have rejected them and never want to hang out and a bunch of other stuff.
I was so tired that I would later (as in today) learn that I misread a lot of it. I thought I responded reasonably. But I was very wrong.
It turned into me completely losing myself and imploding in such a big horrible way that I am a little surprised to still be alive, to be perfectly honest.
Luckily, my spiritual direction person was available to talk me down. And I had two nights where I could actually sleep, and that made all the difference in the world.
I still need to reconcile things with my friend. And I also need to find a better income solution. Because like I said, it all starts again tomorrow. And I can't keep this up.
What I really want to do (and feel ready to do) is write my damn book (which I have been having such good ideas for. I'm shifting away from conventional memoir and thinking of doing something a little more experimental with it).
There has to be a way to make that happen.
I thought I would be able to do it on these overnight shifts, but my brain just can't function like that.
I would love to get a grant or advance or something. But that's overwhelming and takes time. I'm going to see what I can do there.
I've got to figure something out.
I'm going to start that now, by getting a good night's sleep.
8:09 p.m. - 2023-04-30
Recent entries:
Cabaret - 2023-08-02
I Thought I was Going to Write About My Cat, But Things Took a Turn (trigger warning, it's kind of heavy) - 2023-07-22
Lucia Sophia Isabella: Wonder Cat - 2023-07-18
An Entry to Prove I Still Exist - 2023-07-10
Sarah and Her Animal Companions - 2023-05-21
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
littlesushi
swordfern
warpednormal
jim515
alethia
krunkjazz
poetinthesky
gr8legs
holdensolo
bantenhut
i-am-jack
musicman575
comebacktome
aryssa90
i-lost-sarah
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
meffinmisfit
movingsands
the-grey-one
unowhatilike
dangerspouse
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
reevo
similar
dagkyo
dooki
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
baby--girl
nudeplatypus
mojo1915
cindylou03
alwaysinhim
lust-
loveherwell
greenstar7
spittingame
dudemanflab
darkly-blue
jimbostaxi