It’s been almost exactly a week to the minute since I said yes to Lucy, the stray kitten my girlfriend found.
I teared up a little when I left her for work this morning.
And I have been outright weeping on and off ever since.
And that’s actually been a pretty regular occurrence since about this exact same time a week ago.
I am deeply afraid of my emotions.
It’s probably an abused kid thing.
I just never felt particularly safe expressing them.
And if you can’t express them, best to not feel them.
Lest they build up and explode.
And honestly, thank God for Diaryland.
At first, it was the charismatic/pentecostal church services of my youth that were an outlet.
I would pour out all my fears and anxieties and anger and sadness to a God I thought was there to hear.
Somewhere along the way, I started writing those prayers and yearnings out.
Then soon after, I started doing so on here.
But unlike when I prayed, here I received a response.
All of you beautiful strangers leaving notes. It’s all so beautiful when you think of it.
We know nothing of each other except the thoughts so intimate that we don’t share them with friends.
Did you know I met my first girlfriend here?
We never met in person. We just AIMed and emailed. It was before cameras on phones even, we only ever saw a few pixelated images.
She had a terminal illness.
We talked every day until she died.
Jesus Christ.
This is a dark entry. I am so sorry.
But I suppose that is the thing I am trying to say.
I learned early that love means loss and heavy pain.
I have had, I think, 10 romantic partners. 3 of whom are now dead.
I don’t really know why I bring that up here except that my brain wouldn’t let me move on until I typed it.
I’ve been closed off from my feelings, is what I am trying to say. I have reasons for that is also the point I’m making.
The world is so much safer when narrowed down to just ideas. To escapist flights of imagination and philosophy.
Still, I am mostly only able to write out my feelings. I have such a hard time saying the words and seeing the face of the person listening. People always react and you never know what that reaction will be. Absolutely Mortifying.
But this cat. This beautiful, adoring, cuddly cat. Who always wants to curl up on my chest, purring gently and looking up at me.
God, she’s fucking magic.
It really feels like she unlocked something in me. I have cried this week more than I have in years.
Like that big, whole body shaking, ugly tears, weeping.
It is uncomfortable but feels so fucking good.
So fucking needed.
I want to feel safe in my body again.
I want to feel.
Truly feel.
Full connection from head to heart to gut to the outside world.
Oh, terror.
Such a cursed prayer.
But I can’t help it. It’s too late.
I was thrust into this world in this time, this place.
No other choice but to be.
I read this thing from Louise Edrich this morning. I will close out this weird little entry with it.
But first, dear stranger, dear friend, dear reader, thank you so much.
It is awfully nice to have someone to talk to.
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on Earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”
11:02 a.m. - 2023-07-22
Recent entries:
To Be Born Again, You Must Surely Die - 2023-09-08
Those Left Behind. - 2023-09-01
The Sexually Repressed Mr. Darcy - 2023-08-19
Not Much To Say - 2023-08-18
Cabaret - 2023-08-02
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