I have a friend from my old life in Denver asleep on my living room couch.
When I have guests, I am very anxious about sleeping later than them. I picture them stuck being quiet and bored for hours while I doze away. I am the same way when I am a guest somewhere.
This means I am usually the one stuck being quiet and bored for several hours.
Last night he told me that he always automatically wakes up at around 4:45 a.m. So naturally, I have been up since 4:30. But it's a little after 7 and he's still asleep.
And that's fine. I enjoy a quiet morning and even enjoy the mornings when I have to stay quiet for whatever reason.
But I am also very tired and glad that he's only staying here tonight.
His visit, mixed with the funeral of my girlfriend's grandma earlier this week, is making me think about death. And how many lives we live in the course of natural 80 years.
I am not the person I was when I regularly hung out with the dude currently snoring on my uncomfortable couch. There are aspects that remain, of course, but for the most part, Denver me is dead. And so is childhood me, and preacher me, and on and on.
What I once considered core aspects of my personality and identity have faded away, replaced by something completely different but still somehow totally the same. Since I was a child, I have looked into the mirror and seen myself even though the image I see is always slightly different.
The funeral this week was sparsely populated. Basically just the immediate family, and a neighbor. But surely also, every previous life this woman had lived was in attendance as well. It felt surreal hearing that she was married for 30 years before becoming widowed in 1987. 30 years a wife. 36 years a widow. 20 years before all that. All with its own drama and worries. Everything always so important.
I sit in bed now at the tail end of 42, watching the sunrise, waiting for my guest to wake so we can eat and make small talk. (I hear him waking now as I type).
I wonder how many more chapters my life story will include.
I wonder when the next one will begin.
I wonder what I'll think of the one I am in once it has passed.
7:06 a.m. - 2023-09-08
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