Another long gap from writing on here.
Mostly because nothing has happened in any significant way.
There is such a rhythm to the schedule of my life right now that it is easy to go on autopilot.
It is both good and bad, like all things.
There is a part of me that functions very well with rigid routines. I think it's why I did so well during my college years. I was working full time and going to school full time so almost every minute of the day was accounted for and was consistently the same week by week.
And maybe that's why I fell apart after graduation.
No idea what to do with my time. Seemingly no ability to mandate a rigid schedule of my own.
So, here I am now, with every Monday being the same as the last several months of Mondays and the same being true of Monday's six sisters.
And I wonder if I'll be okay again. Maybe now I'll be free to create and write and be comfortable around people and have one of those lives you see in commercials where people sit around smiling with friends.
Or maybe I will just disassociate and disappear so far into my head that I forget to drink water or think about my feelings or do anything at all other than obsessively follow the routine that could easily have more variety, complexity, and color.
So far, it has been the second thing.
Not surprising, considering that's kind of just how I've been (it seems) since my mental hospital days. Maybe even longer. Maybe forever.
There is a longing inside me
it is an echo
it is a beacon
it is often so faint that it can only be felt,
not strong enough to be put into words.
It has taken so much energy to write this.
There is a strong force pulling my brain back into slumber.
I am a flower
pushing through the hard soil
It never feels like progress until you've broken through to the light.
But pushing even when it seems like you'll never arrive is the more important work.
10:13 a.m. - 2023-07-10
Recent entries:
The Sexually Repressed Mr. Darcy - 2023-08-19
Not Much To Say - 2023-08-18
Cabaret - 2023-08-02
I Thought I was Going to Write About My Cat, But Things Took a Turn (trigger warning, it's kind of heavy) - 2023-07-22
Lucia Sophia Isabella: Wonder Cat - 2023-07-18
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