She came over. I cooked dinner. We talked.
It all came down to this:
She likes me a lot, but doesn't see us working out over the long term. She didn't want to lead me on. Or allow me to fool myself into thinking that this is more than it is.
I told her that I get that, but that I was already having a hard week.
"I just feel so far behind everyone else," I told her. "I just don't have the practical life skills that I need. I don't know how to navigate relationships or take care of myself."
"It's funny that you'd say that," she replied. "Because that's the main reason why I don't think we'd really work."
My summary of our conversation doesn't do her much justice. She was very kind, but pragmatic.
We talked for hours.
I told her about how I had such a narrow focus while growing up--I wanted nothing but to be a preacher. I read about nothing else, I thought about nothing else.--that I never learned basic life skills. That I still don't know who I am or what I want.
I'm getting there. But I'm years behind.
It's depressing to think about. I just don't know how to take care of myself.
When will I have all of this stuff figured out? Will I be sixty before I am emotionally capable of a real emotionally healthy relationship? Must I be doomed to being unsuccessful for the rest of my life?
She looked deep into my eyes and kissed me.
She told me it all has to start with me believing that I am entitled to a good life;that I am worthy of it.
That's just not something that I can believe quite yet.
8:42 a.m. - 2013-03-04
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
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