Every once in a while, I awake from a certain existential slumber and become aware of my own strength. And then almost immediately am reminded of the constraints that I am in.
I am living well below my means. I know that.
This mind of mine is this fascinating thing. It seems to see the world quite differently from most. I also have a great ability to articulate things in a way that makes abstract ideas seem solid. I possess great natural talent as a improvisational actor and satirist. I have fantastic diplomacy skills. I am good at so many things.
Yet, none of those things are much use as a barista and waiter.
Not only do I not get to utilize or hone my strengths and skills where I work, I have to completely rely on my greatest weaknesses to get through the day.
I am introverted and easily overwhelmed. Two things that make me very ill-suited for the food service industry. I am not good at my job.
These are the constraints that I am in. I say that I have put myself here. I suppose that's true, but I am not sure that I have ever had much option.
When I left the ministry, I needed a job. I chose the first one I could find. Starbucks offered benefits and allowed me the freedom I needed to work through my nervous breakdown and re-discovery of self. But now, it seems to be the only job I'm qualified for. On paper, at any rate.
I have all these strengths and abilities and natural talents, but no tangible proof that they exist. There is nothing on my resume to indicate that I know how to do anything other than what I've been doing. I could volunteer somewhere to gain some "practical job experience" but I already work seven days a week. I'm not sure when I will able to do something like that.
I feel stuck.
I've gone so long doing these jobs that I hate and am ill-suited for that I can't even imagine what it's like to be doing work that I am good at and enjoy.
It's something I have never experienced.
I should have been pushing harder over the years to find opportunities to express my abilities. My depression, anxiety, fear of failure, fear of rejection, and feelings of worthlessness have done a lot to keep me from trying. And when I do try, I quickly realize that I have no idea where to go or what to do to make these dreams come true. I have no support system. I have no guidance.
I quickly go back to feeling like a failure. I beat myself up (often literally) because of my utter inability to navigate through the "real world." I escape back into fantasy. I become worse at the job that I was never very good at.
I want out of this cycle. I want to be able to be me. I want people to see what I can do. I want to excel at something. School is helping with that some, but not enough. My amazing GPA is the first real indicator that I have ever been able to hold up to prove that I can do something right. But I really can do so much more. I just need to find a way in. I just need an opportunity.
I know that no one will help me. I know I need to create opportunities for myself. I just don't know how to do that. I hope to God I can figure a way out of all this before I inevitably slip back into the coma of depression and insecurity.
3:56 a.m. - 2014-11-03
Recent entries:
I hope this lasts. - 2014-11-23
Tired. - 2014-11-18
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Lonely - 2014-11-07
I am a loser, baby. - 2014-11-06
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