I can't sleep.
Partly because of this kink in my neck, but mostly because I have been spiraling in the black hole that is introspection.
I think about being lonely, which makes me think about being unattractive. Am I? Is it just my lack of confidence? Do I need to lose weight? What should I do? These thoughts make me feel overwhelmed and self-destructive. I have been close to buying a pack of cigarettes this week several times. I just want to give up and get drunk and fuck the pain away.
Of course to fuck the pain away, I need someone that wants to fuck me. And no one does. Is it because I'm unattractive? Is it just my lack of confidence? Do I need to lose weight? Maybe I should buy some cigarettes. What does it matter?
Can you see the cycle? This goes on for days.
I began to wonder tonight, what would happen if I spent all of that energy on something other than obsessing over my own unhappiness?
I know this is easier said than done, depression is a sort of black hole in and of itself. However, it can be done. I can get my mind out of this loop that it's in.
I don't necessarily intend to become Gandhi or anything. Though it would be nice to be more compassionate towards others, I would be happy with me just thinking about something else--anything else, really--anything that's not my self and my own misery.
I could start writing fiction again.
I could start painting again.
I could create something else entirely.
And I could volunteer somewhere.
I could spend more energy on the online support group I created for former fundamentalist Christians.
I could spend more energy on actually losing weight.
I could do a lot, really.
Just because I am feeling sad and lonely all the time, doesn't mean that I need to be thinking about how sad and lonely I am all the time.
I could be making good art.
Damn it, I think I will go and do just that.
12:14 a.m. - 2014-11-23
Recent entries:
There is an I in Diaryland, but it's the U that matters - 2014-12-12
Not much of anything - 2014-12-10
A brief distraction - 2014-12-07
A Conversation with a Little Old Lady - 2014-12-05
the Journey - 2014-11-23
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