My anxiety has been running high.
Panic attacks.
Night terrors.
A general tenseness of my muscles throughout the day.
I think it's because we are starting to circle around some big issues in therapy.
Namely, my relationship with God.
Over the past few months, my therapist and I have dealt with some of the religious trauma I've experienced; the problems I've had with the church. But now we are getting to God himself, and I am starting to freak out a little.
People always accuse me of turning my back on God. They'll remind me that I had "such promise" and "so much anointing" on my life. And then they'll ask why I stopped believing.
That kind of discussion always infuriates me and makes me tense and want to cry all at once.
I did everything I could for God. I had dedicated my entire life to him. I was doing everything right. And that makes it seem like I was relying on "works," but I wasn't. I had an intimate relationship with God. I relied on him completely. In a very real sense, he was my only friend. I would pray two to three hours a day, but it never felt like obligation or duty. It was truly my source of peace. I loved God more than anything else.
But then one day, I no longer felt the presence of God. No longer felt that assurance or peace. No longer felt like I was being heard or held.
I knew faith is more than feelings, so I pressed on. For days, for months, for years. It's been over a decade now. I have never felt the presence of God again since that morning when it all went away.
Eventually, I started questioning my faith. The feelings had long been gone when my mind began to wonder if the bible were true and if God was who he said he was.
And in a very real sense, I've never stopped asking those questions.
I never turned my back on God.
He turned his back on me.
And fuck you if you dare tell me otherwise. I did nothing but chase after this neglectful and deaf God for years. He has never responded.
So either he doesn't exist
or he doesn't care.
When I go beyond my mind and feel for the truth in my body, it seems I believe the latter.
God just doesn't care about me.
I so wish I could believe he didn't exist.
At least then I might be able to feel lovable.
6:44 p.m. - 2014-10-27
Recent entries:
Tired. - 2014-11-18
Jazz - 2014-11-11
Lonely - 2014-11-07
I am a loser, baby. - 2014-11-06
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
i-lost-sarah
aryssa90
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
meffinmisfit
cybers1ut
the-grey-one
movingsands
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
nudeplatypus
mojo1915
baby--girl
cindylou03
alwaysinhim
greenstar7
krunkjazz
dudemanflab
spittingame