I am tired of being someone that life just happens to.
I am bursting at the seams, wanting to take risks, gasping for air, I really need to do something. Anything. I want to feel alive again.
I submitted some of my poetry to a local lit mag some time ago. After I submitted, a friend of mine became the editor-in-chief. She wrote to me yesterday to tell me that she found my submissions. Then she told me why she wasn't going to publish them.
"I would like to encourage you to write something spontaneous and painful and dark and embarrassing and hopeful that reflects who you are...I would like to encourage you to write something spontaneous and painful and dark and embarrassing and hopeful that reflects who you are."
And I think there is something to that.
I have been playing it safe with my shit.
Not just writing, obviously. With all of it.
I am like Aaron Burr in the Hamilton musical, always waiting, never acting.
I really think that most (if not all) of my problems have arisen from the fact that I have no confidence or love for myself at all and I am so consumed with fear that I remain paralysed.
Seriously, if I could break free from that, I would be invincible.
But I really don't know how to do that.
I am at a place in my life where I am ready and even eager to take a giant leap, but am finding myself in the middle of a level field. With no cliff to jump from in sight.
9:39 a.m. - 2017-11-21
Recent entries:
Hospital - 2017-12-05
Elsewhere - 2017-12-01
The match lit in the darkness. - 2017-11-28
An Untitled Poem: First Draft - 2017-11-23
It's Not Okay, but I am Okay - 2017-11-22
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