I drove down to Colorado Springs (my old stomping grounds) today to hang out with my old professor/mentor/kind of father figure.
I don't get to see him much, but when I do it is always a marathon of deep conversation and talk about what we are doing with our lives.
And he is, without fail, always so excited and proud and affirming.
He makes me feel validated and that even though it never feels like it, things are happening, and maybe I do have some sort of future. Or at the very least more value at the present moment than I ever seem to think.
And that good feeling that I had from our five hours of coffee and conversation lasted me most of the hour long drive back to Denver.
But there maybe there was something about going to the store to pick up antidepressants and frozen pizza for my big solo thanksgiving feast tomorrow that pretty quickly brought me down again.
And then when I got the text alert that I was nearly overdrawn at the bank, I felt terribly sad and alone and overwhelmed and blah blah blah.
By the time I made it home, I found myself thinking again about the things we know I think about. The things I think about everyday.
But I have been reading the Tao again and trying to meditate and hold on to the fact that I am doing some good for some people, and if I just persist and keep living in a loving, peaceful, compassionate way that I will maybe someday be alright.
And even if I am never alright, I want to live as if I am. I want to love fully and help create real beauty and help people get through rough times, maybe catching them before they slip down this hole where I live.
I don't want to pretend that I am okay. I choose to be as honest as I possibly can be, especially to myself.
But I want to live with true selfless compassion. Even though things aren't okay. Because things aren't okay.
We are all of us suffering.
I hope I can provide some comfort before I go.
6:59 p.m. - 2017-11-22
Recent entries:
Stepping Out - 2017-12-08
Hospital - 2017-12-05
Elsewhere - 2017-12-01
The match lit in the darkness. - 2017-11-28
An Untitled Poem: First Draft - 2017-11-23
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