I am still feeling very overwhelmed.
The housing thing.
Work stress.
Slight creative blockages with podcast.
Feeling like podcast co-host might be unhappy with my lack of output.
Family stress.
Chronic pain shit.
Poverty.
Etc.
It's a lot.
But I did go to the opera this week.
I saw La Boheme with a woman who is like model pretty. And she dressed to the fucking nines. I felt cool and attractive and hip.
And she seduced me by slow dancing to Nina Simone in my apartment. Removing her short and shimmery dress in a way that made me feel like I was in a movie.
But then we could never catch a rhythm during actual sex. It just never worked. We eventually gave up in mutual frustration.
The next morning's attempt was far better, but I came way too soon and she had to get to work anyway and god damn it, I am never going to see her again am I?
But that's okay.
I have friends who struggle with mental illness that sometimes get real impulsive with shit.
And that's never been me. I repress, repress, repress. And keep all of this pressure and stress and self-doubt and fear and uncertainty and I just swallow it all and let it poison every single one of my molecules.
But now I just want to scream.
I think I need to.
I need a release of some sort.
I want to do it in a healthy way—which indicates how fearful I am of truly letting go. Like I have anything to lose. Like I am healthy now—so I don't really know what to do.
I hate that I am right now trying to plan out how to be impulsive.
God, I just want to fucking let go and get wild and actually have fun.
How do I not know how to do any of that?
How can I not still see that I am worthy of good things?
I can't escape my own head.
6:16 p.m. - 2017-11-11
Recent entries:
Elsewhere - 2017-12-01
The match lit in the darkness. - 2017-11-28
An Untitled Poem: First Draft - 2017-11-23
It's Not Okay, but I am Okay - 2017-11-22
Pent Up - 2017-11-21
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