I find it amusing in myself that I can be desperate for human connection and community and simple fun with friends up until the moment that the opportunity arises.
Twice in the last 24 hours, I have been invited out by friends to do something and my initial knee-jerk reaction was just to tell them no.
I wanted to tell them that yes, actually, I do have plans. Those plans are to eat junk food alone while watching a movie I have seen before and thinking about how I need to go out more.
Last night, I told my friend I was "on the fence" about going to the open mic thing he invited me too and then just didn't go.
I am so far still "on the fence" about tonight.
But I should go out. I should have fun. I should make small talk about television shows and say weird and awkward things in that semi-charming way that I can sometimes pull off, even though 8 times out of 10, I come home feeling more alone than I did before.
But that goes back to something I have been thinking a lot about these last few days. About lightness and openness.
There's this Nat King Cole song that hits me in the feels nearly every time I listen to it called "When I Fall in Love."
And there's a verse in that song that goes:
In a restless world like this is
love is ended before it's begun
and too many moonlight kisses
seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
But when I give my heart
it will be completely
or I'll never give my heart
And that always makes me think of Tinder and it always reminds me that I am a deeply romantic person and then I usually start feeling superior for thinking myself above all the petty frivolity of our modern dating culture.
I want real true, authentic, knee-weakening, world-stopping, intimate, supportive, wild, enthusiastic love.
I want deep love. Deeper and more encompassing than anything.
I want ocean love.
I want Marianas Trench love.
And I possess no patience for the small lakes and streams that seem to be the present fashion.
I am glad I have stumbled upon a water metaphor here, because it is actually perfect.
Because the water of the Marianas trench did not start there.
It started as a drip of melted snow on some great mountain.
It took its time, did not force itself or rush, but grew as it joined a creek than a stream than a river.
Taoism is often called "the watercourse way" because of how often it uses water as a metaphor.
They point out that water does not resist but adjusts.
It moves where it can, it fills whatever shape it is forced into, and as a result it changes the world.
The Grand Canyon did not begin as deep as it is, it was carved by the steady streams of water and time.
(I was going to use the Marianas Trench here, but it was apparently made through shifting tectonic plates.)
There is a lightness to water that I envy.
I feel sometimes like I am nothing but weight.
There is a certain silent intensity about me that I both love and despise.
I like the dedication and passion and fervor that comes from focusing myself on a person or a thing.
But I recognize it as too much for most.
And I am torn about that.
Part of me thinks I should be patient and learn to be dripping snow.
Go out. Have fun. Enjoy light easy conversation, playful banter, casual sex.
And let things just develop over time. Just go with the flow and all that.
And in truth, it seems my only successes thus far in life have come as a result of that kind of attitude.
But as I said, I am impatient.
And am very tired of things ending before they become even close to satisfying.
So many of my non-monogamous little trysts just feel like playing house.
We lay in each other's arms and give back rubs and run hands through hair and have brunch, but evaporate before things become too real.
But maybe that's just where you have to start.
And maybe the fact that I am not open to others emotionally and unwilling to try new things and be social is a big part of why I am not getting anywhere.
Worth a try, I guess.
10:04 a.m. - 2017-09-05
Recent entries:
Dallas: Day 2 - 2017-10-21
Dallas - 2017-10-19
31 days - 2017-10-11
Full Clean Lungs - 2017-09-09
Jagged Little Pill - 2017-09-06
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