My therapist wants me to try antidepressants.
The thought kind of scares me a bit.
I tried them once before. When my chronic pain was first starting, the doctors thought that it was psychosomatic and thus pumped me full of SSRIs.
The problem was I was uninsured (and it was the days before Obamacare) and so not only was I trying to get treatment for a mysterious and complicated illness from free health clinics, but I was seeing a different doctor (or more often an RN) every time.
And as a result, my prescription kept getting changed. I think I went through eight different kinds of pills over the course of a year.
All with pretty horrible side effects and a lot of suicidal ideation.
It was rough. I decided to just go without.
But I have been in therapy for three and a half years now.
I have some highs, maybe a little bit of stability, and then I sink right back down to where I was.
This particular season of depression has been nearly lethal on several occasions (as you, dear reader, bore witness).
Maybe it's worth a try.
But the problem is I still don't have insurance. And still don't have a doctor.
So I have to find cheap insurance (maybe Medicaid if I'm lucky) and then a doctor that I can trust in order to even try to get meds.
And I don't know if it will help.
And I am not looking forward to the side effects.
And I am scared.
I feel terrified and alone and broken.
Needing medication seems to be admitting that I am not in control.
And I'm not, I know I am not.
But I don't want to admit it.
I can't keep living like this though.
I need help. And I feel overwhelmed.
I hope I survive.
9:44 p.m. - 2017-09-06
Recent entries:
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
Dallas: Day 2 - 2017-10-21
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31 days - 2017-10-11
Full Clean Lungs - 2017-09-09
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