I am writing this from Dallas, Texas. See yesterday's entry for a partial explanation as to why.
Today I must tell the tale of Amy Allred.
I first met Amy when I was here for bible school. I was friends with her younger brother. She struck then as someone who was so in love with Jesus as to be undateable. I mean, how can one compete with Jesus?
Not that I was particularly sad about such an observation. I was not jealous of Jesus in this instance. But this is how I would have described her. She just seemed more pure, more innocent, more truly devoted than anyone else I knew.
We were friendly, but not friends. I don't recall ever spending much time with her.
Fast forward some 11 years or so. I have left the church and had some adventure and am generally speaking an entirely different dude than I was. When I saw Amy on Facebook, I naturally wondered if the same had happened to her. Maybe she too was a different dude now. And I was a bit lonely at the time (i.e.all the time) and so I flirted with her a little. Nothing very serious. Just some slight hints that if she was now a person that fucks, I could be a potential person with which to fuck.
But though she has changed (she is not a robot), the changes she has experienced have only strengthened her devotion to God. Which is fine. I quickly changed my approach, told her that I am no longer a believer, and just went about being friendly with her. She seemed deeply lonely, and because I know what that feels like, I would check in on her and listen to her. I didn't consider it a big deal.
But it was a big deal. As far as I can tell, I am presently the only man in her life outside of her brother. I also apparently fit the bill of what she likes to imagine her future husband to be. She has told me that. She has told me that I ruined her for other men because it is rare to find a guy that is respectful and feminist and sensitive and likes art and poetry. And maybe it is hard to find a guy like that in fundamentalist Texas. Especially if you aren't really looking, but rather expecting God to just deliver that person to you in some sort of fairy tale ending.
I believed in the divine fairy tale myself. I know how alluring it is.
So soon after we began our correspondence, I began to suspect that maybe she was into me. I began to drop rather big hints that I was not into her, but continued to be there for her as much as possible.
She flew out to Denver twice last fall just to see me. I was too timid to directly ask about her feelings and expectations, so the whole time she was there I was tense and uncomfortable. Because she is Amy, the sweet, innocent, overly affectionate and encouraging person that I knew from before, it is all possible that this was all platonic.
But it didn't feel platonic. Not after she told me that she couldn't stop crying for a week after she left Colorado and refused to set her clock back to Texas time.
Her writings to me became longer and more affectionate. My responses became shorter and less emotional.
I wrote a blog about sexual shame wherein I confessed that I was now basically a hedonist and loved having wild, consensual sex without monogamy.
She wrote me to confess that she was, as I suspected, still a virgin and had never had a real romantic relationship. She was holding out though. God was going to bring someone into her life.
I wondered then if she thought I was the one, but did my best not to worry about it. She would write and tell me about this movie called Loving Vincent (google it, it's a beautiful looking movie) and since I was the only person she knew that would be into seeing a movie like that, she would just love it if we could see it together. I didn't think much of that because flying to a different state just to watch a movie seems a bit crazy. I suggested that we just watch in our respective states on the same night, but instantly regretted even suggesting that because that could be interpreted as a romantic gesture.
About a month ago, Amy wrote to tell me that Loving Vincent was opening mid-October and how would I feel if she flew me down to Dallas so we could watch it?
Now, I have been trying to get back to Dallas for a while now. I have long wanted to confront my past in the hopes of moving on from it. This was that opportunity, I didn't know when another one would come along.
But despite my timidity and general awkwardness, I could not accept such a gift without having things be crystal clear between us.
So I told her that I could not accept the flight unless it was understood that there was no romantic expectations between us. I didn't want to accidentally break her heart.
She told me that she only liked me as a brother and had no expectations or desires and even apologized if she had ever made me feel uncomfortable. She is just an affection person.
Good enough for me, I thought. Even if she wasn't being honest with me (or herself) about her feelings, I was clear with her. There was no ambiguity. Her feelings were her own. I accepted the plane tickets.
And now I am here. She picked me up from the airport yesterday and we spent the day at art museums, had dinner with her family, and then saw the movie. We talked about books. She kept marveling at various coincidences and how they were all things she specifically prayed for. She said it was one of the happiest days of her life.
And that is concerning to me. It is concerning to me because I don't know what to tell her. If I, again, let her know that I have no romantic interest in her, she will, again, let me know that she doesn't either. But her affection for me feels both overwhelming and unwarranted. It throws me off kilter.
I want to do right by her. I want her to have a vibrant and fulfilled life. I want her to have a partner that fully appreciates her. But I can't help but worry that she keeps looking to me to provide her with all of those things.
And maybe I am wrong in my intuition on this. I suppose it doesn't matter if I am. Because the end result is the same. If she is in love with me, I don't think I can dissuade her. If she is not in love with me, I am worrying over nothing. All I can do in either case is release it and not worry about it. Let her feel whatever she wants to feel.
I need to be my true empowered authentic self. This is all just the ocean being itself anyway. All of it is needless brain chatter.
She will pick me up soon and we will spend the day with friends from my former life. I make the solemn vow now that I will be myself, unencumbered by the fear of hurting others and free from the fear of their disapproval.
Is there anything else I can do?
7:27 a.m. - 2017-10-21
Recent entries:
Stress - 2017-11-05
Alysson Writes - 2017-10-25
Trinity: Dallas, Day 4 - 2017-10-23
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
holdensolo
loveherwell
lust-
bantenhut
nudeplatypus
comebacktome
musicman575
i-lost-sarah
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
meffinmisfit
movingsands
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
i-am-jack
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
mojo1915
dudemanflab
aryssa90
baby--girl
alwaysinhim
cindylou03
gr8legs
greenstar7
krunkjazz
spittingame