Wow, it's been 31 days since I wrote on here.
And holy shit, everything looks all different.
A lot has happened during the 31 days.
I wish I had written it all down.
Some highlights:
I started taking SAM-e, it's an amino acid that is responsible for the manufacturing of the dopamine and serotonin and etc. Some people with depression/anxiety have a deficiency of this amino acid.
I appear to be one of those people. I have been taking 400 mg of SAM-e daily for almost a month now. And the results are truly amazing. I have a lot more energy and clarity of thought. And though I still have depressed feelings and anxious thoughts, they no longer feel so goddamned overwhelming.
This last month has been the most stable I've been in years. And for once, I feel like it just might last.
And perhaps not surprisingly, having some natural chemical assistance has made all of the mindfulness techniques that I have been struggling to implement become suddenly far more effective.
I have read a lot of great books over the summer and the lessons they've taught me seem to resonate now.
And hopefully I'll write a whole entry (or several) on all that soon. But for now, suffice it say that I feel good about myself in ways that I have never felt good about myself before.
It's not contingent on who I am or what I do or what other people think of me or if I am loved by anyone.
Everything is temporary.
My thoughts and feelings and circumstances aren't me, they are things happening to me.
In fact, "me" is a very loose concept and it is best to not be too worried about it.
After about a week of really truly feeling all of this and just being content with whatever comes my way, I got a message.
It was from a woman that I had spent all of last fall pining over. She is so beautiful and smart and seemingly perfect (though even last fall I could admit that a lot of that "seeming perfection" was actually just how she looked with red lipstick and a black choker).
For the sake of time, I won't go over what happened last fall. Other than to say that I wanted her more than anyone I've wanted in years (and that's saying something because I kind of want everyone) and I was absolutely crushed when she shot me down.
Nonetheless, she wrote me after some 10 months. Said she had been thinking about me but was afraid to reach out because she didn't know how I'd react. But she wanted to see me.
Suddenly all of my anxiety and worry and ego popped back up.
This was a test.
But amazingly, I remained consistent with myself. I was not swayed by either my positive or negative thoughts and daydreams.
I don't think I have ever been as smooth as I was during our time at the bar.
I don't think I was ever as calm as I was as she removed my clothes that night.
She expressed concern about lots of things. Her own mental illness, her feelings of unworthiness, her inability to sustain a relationship.
And I was finally capable of actually being there and listening and holding that space. I didn't make it about me. I could honestly mean it when I told her that I accepted her as she was and that whatever came of this was fine.
And even though she disappeared again the way she had done the time before, telling me in a note that she is just too fucked up to be present with someone like me, I remained fine.
It hurt. It hurts. But it's okay. I am fine.
And that's huge for me. This whole diary is a testament to 1. my desire for love 2. the soul crushing feeling of rejection
But maybe now I am finally able to move past that.
I know things aren't fixed. I will still struggle. I will still suffer.
I think I am just at a place where I am finally okay with that.
And that really is something.
8:39 a.m. - 2017-10-11
Recent entries:
Trinity: Dallas, Day 4 - 2017-10-23
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
Dallas: Day 3 - 2017-10-22
Dallas: Day 2 - 2017-10-21
Dallas - 2017-10-19
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