The first snow of the season is always magic. There can be no argument. It is just the Truth.
Yesterday was our first snow.
It was also the day that I finished the last of the three papers I had to write this week.
And it just so happened that it was the last school day before our Thanksgiving break.
I was in a damn good mood yesterday.
And it has carried into today.
Even though the sidewalks are never salted and were basically just sheets of ice and I had to walk everywhere (because I walk everywhere) looking like a septuagenarian trying out roller skates for the first time.
But it's been a good couple of days.
I listened to the Amelie soundtrack yesterday as I walked through the snow.
Tonight, I am high and listening to Fats Waller.
He's so fucking good. Can anyone play the piano like him? So distinctive and carefree.
But I digress.
I'm high. Forgive me.
I came on here to write the following:
I must come to terms with the fact that I am just a major romantic.
The snow, and music, and just the way the sun hits certains things, make me feel immense joy.
When I am in my right mind (which is rarely, sadly), everything is just beautiful and I get so much joy over such simple things.
And I do so wish that I got to share that beauty.
I just dig doing romantic shit. I like writing little love notes and surprising women with flowers or some random thing that they mentioned in passing that they loved. I like the playfulness of intimacy. How once you get so comfortable with each other that you can just be silly and absurd.
And fuck, I melt every single time I have one of those "just staring at each other" moments.
But I must also come to terms with the fact that such things seem presently unavailable right now.
Right now the women I know do not want romance. That want uncomplicated. They want booty call texts every week or so with little to no talking in between.
And I am becoming more and more willing to accept that as just the way it is.
I will admit that I don't really know how to do that though. I don't know how to seem disinterested.
But I'll learn, and I figure it's fine as long as I don't lose my soul over it. As long as I remain my true romantic, genuine self.
And besides, my time in college and my chronic pain stuff has made me very disconnected from my body. And I want to fix that. I want to really experience pleasure again.
I really want to have a hedonistic slut period where I try everything a little.
But that has left me trying to figure out what to do with my romantic impulses. What do I do with my deep yearning to love and care for someone?
Obviously a little of that will be there with whomever I'm with.
But right now, I think the rest of those feelings will just have to go into the written word.
I will love writing and the expansion of the mind just as much, if not more, than I hope to eventually love a particular person(s)
That's all I got.
as the Buddha says:
Love the whole world as a mother loves her only child.
That's all I know to do.
8:56 p.m. - 2016-11-18
Recent entries:
Reflection - 2016-11-30
Today - 2016-11-29
Here I am, talking about cars and sex. Just like some regular dude. - 2016-11-27
Just a Full-Bellied Ramble - 2016-11-24
I hate my brain sometimes - 2016-11-21
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