In my meditation this morning, I began to really reflect on the whole Summa Cum Laude thing and wrote the following on my Facebook wall. I have been sobbing uncontrollably ever since. I feel so incredibly grateful for everything. I decided to post what I wrote on here for posterity.
If it is alright, I am going to brag for a second.
I have had a chronic illness since birth. It started out with minor cerebral palsy and an immune system disorder. I was so sick as a kid that I had to be homeschooled in the sixth grade. The invisibility of that illness earned me the labels of "lazy" and "weak." I internalized those labels well into adulthood, always feeling like I'd never amount to much.
About five years ago, my invisible illness took a turn into constant muscle pain.It took years to get a diagnosis, but even with insurance, I can't afford to see the kind of specialists I need and have yet to find an effective treatment. I am told it is degenerative, that the pain will not only always be with me, but it will keep getting worse as I age. There have been many times that I have not been able to get out of bed.
Additionally, I suffer from depression and a major anxiety disorder that I have only recently began to learn how to manage. My world has frequently been upside down and hard to navigate. My mental and emotional state have made it hard to focus on anything at times.
My physical and mental ailments have always made it a little hard to work. The decision to go back to school made my financial situation far more severe. Even after maxing out on student loans and working seven days a week, I have barely had enough to get by. I have had to rely on the generosity of my family more than I'd like to admit, but they aren't rich either and there has been several times where I simply could not afford to eat. Like many other students I know, I am perpetually on the verge of homelessness. All of the above can make focusing on school a difficult thing.
But due to the amazing support of friends and family, I have persisted. My experience in college has helped me finally see through the dark cloud of my mental illness to see that I am actually capable and smart and stronger than I thought. That would be enough for me to celebrate as I am now nearing the end of this journey. But to graduate in the top 5% of my class is astounding. I feel both honored and humbled and honestly a little uncomfortable sharing all of this with all of you. Even as I type, I feel the impulse to delete all of this. I don't like the spotlight all that much. I don't want to be defined by my accomplishments anymore than I do my limitations.
But I think this is important to share because so many of you that read this are suffering right now. We look at the accomplishments of others and believe that we can never be that. You have obstacles that seem overwhelming. Some of you might feel like you just can't go on.
I just want to tell you to keep going. Keep your head up. If no one has told you lately, you are valuable and far stronger than you imagine. You will get there. Wherever "there" happens to be for you.
Believe in yourself. Love yourself. You can accomplish that thing that's in your heart. You can do anything. Please keep going.
7:49 a.m. - 2016-11-30
Recent entries:
Parents - 2016-12-18
I graduated - 2016-12-16
First draft of a rambly poem - 2016-12-15
A gathering of whiny complaints and grammatical errors that I am not going to bother to fix - 2016-12-11
The Cock Project - 2016-12-06
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