i just fell temporarily in love with this gothic girl with purple eye-liner and matching socks.
but i think it was just aesthetic. purple socks, black hair and clothes, contrasted with her pale skin. she was like a neat painting.
i want a girlfriend.
no, no i dont.
i want a diversion
i really dont think i want answers
they require action
i am not sure i want a reconciled relationship with God
i am tired of following him into
land mines
deserts
uninviting foreign lands
i dont think i have a problem with christians
i think i have a problem with me
i am too much like them
but not enough like them to be worth anything
i am afraid of my future
that i will be a thirty year old youthpastor who secretly hates his life and regrets his youth
or
that i will be a hopeless nothing. dead end job, no friends, countless addictions sucking me dry.
you say to worship
worship who?
the God of the word "no"?
maybe i am worshipping right now.
half of the psalms are like this.
a charge brought before God
a complaint about his sovereignty
an observation of the rightous suffering,
the wicked prospering,
and God being silent.
sure, they all end with praise.
a realization of God's mercy,
his faithfulness,
his timing.
but who knows how long it took to write the psalm.
maybe it was months between the question
and the answer.
maybe my answer will come.
but until then i will not
close my eyes,
raise my hands,
and forget that there is still a question.
4:19 p.m. - 2003-07-13
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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