mom: are you having problems with God or just the ministry?
me: well...a little of both i guess. you cant have a problem with christians without indirectly having a problem with christ.
mom: your not giving up on God are you?
me: nope
mom: are you just saying that because thats what i want to hear?
me: pretty much
mom: well, we want you to know that you can talk to us about anything. any questions you have, or if you just want to vent...
sorry mom, but i dont think that i can talk to anyone right now.
i have tried, but i cant seem to articulate exactly what i feel, what i think.
my problem is not entirely logical
its not all emotions either
its a big jumbled mess that i dont want to sort through.
if life were christmas, i would be the big box of christmas lights that, inspite of the precatious measure taken to keep them from tangling last year, they are still in a solitary mass of lights.
and i am now left here trying to explain why only the green lights are flashing.
where the end of the strand is.
i am so tired of trying to figure things out.
and i am tired of hearing that i should "let go and let God"
i have tried to let go, i have begged and pleaded with God to take this jumbled mess and straighten it out.
even today i have prayed "i dont want to be your enemy. i want to follow you, i just dont know how. please help me."
but he doesnt help.
am i stuck here on my own?
does the Lord "help those who help themselves"?
am i supposed to meet God half way?
or am i supposed to depend on him entirely?
this has been the advice i've recieved.
so much contradiction
so much confusion
thats why i stopped talking, stopped asking for help.
i dont think anyone knows anything about this.
2:57 p.m. - 2003-07-12
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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