It is a chilly but sunny morning.
I just got home from dropping my car off at the shop. Fingers crossed it is not too pricey a repair. Especially since the first week of the month is that delicate time when the majority of my bills are due.
Yesterday, after my car somewhat randomly overheated and had to be temporarily abandoned a few miles away, my girlfriend observed that I wasn't spiraling out the way I typically do when I have car problems (which was quite frequent with my last car). And it is true, I do typically freak out.
Likely because I have been homeless before and know how emergency expenses can snowball into catastrophe. Also possibly because it always makes me feel like I haven't gotten far in life regarding the culture's standards of success. And so I spiral thinking about how I have a college degree (technically two, but one was a non-accredited college for Jesus so most people don't count it) but still struggle not only with the financial burden of staying alive but am also lacking some larger vocational purpose.
And it is true, I am not spiraling. In part, because I have a tiny bit of extra money right now. Maybe it's because I recently read that 57% of Americans could not manage an emergency expense of any $1,000 or more. Which makes me feel like I'm not a failure, but America is. Or maybe it's just because petting my cat is a big stress relief.
Regardless, glad to not be too overly stressed. Still hope it's not too expensive to fix though.
But hey, speaking of a larger vocational purpose, tonight my bookstore is putting on an event with two people who have something along the lines of my dream job. One is the founder and head of the Public Religion Research Institute, he has just written a rather excellent book on the history and religious roots of white supremacy in America.
He'll be here in "conversation with" the head of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State.
Both organizations do great work. PRRI is probably the best source of statistical data on American religion that there is. Americans United is new, but already making a fairly large impact.
As organizations they typically only hire statisticians and lawyers, maybe they have a historian or two on staff, but likely a real historian, not some dude with a bachelor's degree like me. So I know better than to expect or hope that my meeting these people will immediately change my professional fate.
But I'll be there, so we'll see. I am very shy and socially awkward and not good at networking at all. But it'll be the first time I have been in a room full of people with similar interests and goals as me in a very long time.
I love talking about religion and would love to do that as a job or even as a regular volunteer thing.
I mean, I guess I informally do the latter all the time right now. I have a lot of friends who are deconstructing and struggling with their faith and I enjoy those conversations and the ways we can learn from each other and help one another navigate this new world we have found ourselves in.
I also have a lot of conversations with friends who are still believers. Most of them are Christian, but there is a lot of diversity under that label. I had a brief conversation this morning with someone reading a book about how Mesopotamian texts influenced the Torah. But I had a conversation on Halloween with someone who was actually quite scared that I was going to be demon-possessed because I told him I was looking into pre-Christian Celtic spiritual traditions.
So there is a variety of viewpoints. Some fun, some challenging, some stupid and annoying, but all rewarding to me in their own way.
I would love to go back to school and get my master's and Ph.D. in church history or philosophy of religion, but I can't afford it right now.
I have considered starting a small, for lack of a better word, "church" for those of us who don't fit into any particular religious label but would still like to explore and learn about religion and spirituality. I mostly just haven't had the energy for it. And I worry a little about my crumbling under mental health issues again.
But then again, maybe I should focus on getting the first draft of my book under my belt. Or focus on writing on religious news topics as a freelancer (something I am qualified to do but can never seem to manage).
But then again, maybe I will pet my cat and continue to read books, enjoy the sunshine, and not worry too much about why I am on the earth and instead just enjoy being here on this planet full of wonder and stress.
I guess time will be the tell, as they say.
Hope everything is groovy out there, Diaryland. Hope your brains are being nice to all of you today.
8:54 a.m. - 2023-11-02
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