Well, I suppose the headline is that I am still alive.
Nearly three months since writing on here. It has probably been six months since I've written anywhere else.
I am still with my girlfriend. Still living in her apartment.
Though last week I applied for my own apartment. I am still waiting to hear back on whether or not I was approved.
Still working as a security guard on the weekends. Still at the bookstore during the week.
My car still breaks down all the time.
I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't feel like I exist.
What does that even mean? Why do I feel that my breathing is not enough on its own? I am breathing. I have shelter. I had brownies yesterday. What else does one need?
I feel empty. I am lacking a raison d'etre.
Maybe that will change if I am able to get my own place (I am nervous that I haven't been approved yet).
Maybe then I won't feel like water adapting to the shape of whoever is near me. Where my whole goal in life will no longer be to make myself as small and out of the way as possible.
Because that's where I am right now. All my energy seems to be spent trying to meet people's expectations or at the very least to not make them sad or angry.
I am in therapy again. My therapist thinks I have OCD. One that is entirely focused on me being morally perfect and not causing any harm to anyone.
Maybe that's true.
I don't know. I don't care.
I just want something different.
I want to feel like myself again.
Whatever myself happens to looks like these days.
7:54 a.m. - 2022-12-14
Recent entries:
Everything in between - 2023-02-22
Not Much, You? - 2023-01-29
The Precarity of Poverty - 2023-01-22
Tempted - 2022-12-29
The Guard Shack - 2022-12-18
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
alethia
swordfern
similar
jim515
warpednormal
gr8legs
loveherwell
greenstar7
holdensolo
cindylou03
lust-
bantenhut
i-am-jack
musicman575
comebacktome
aryssa90
i-lost-sarah
hexes
newschick
stardumb
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
movingsands
meffinmisfit
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
creme-egg
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
littlesushi
darkly-blue
reevo
dooki
dagkyo
buddyboy5
obijuan
u2october
mojo1915
nudeplatypus
alwaysinhim
baby--girl
krunkjazz
poetinthesky
spittingame
dudemanflab