So the breakup didn't take.
The tie didn't fully sever. Still held together by some errant threads. It's like we are in some weird state of limbo.
It definitely started.
Hours after my last entry, a dumb argument turned into a heated one, which turned into a literal all-night conversation where we did indeed break up at some point before dawn but were back together before the sun made its way past the tree line.
I wasn't expecting her response. I thought we were both unhappy and constantly triggered and desirous of being alone. And I think that is all true. But I think to her, that's all better than being alone.
We both have mostly had bad relationships. Hers have been very bad. I guess mine has been pretty bad too. And here we are in what is one of the least bad relationships we've been in. But it's still bad.
I think we are wonderful friends to each other, but as lovers, we bring out each other's worse impulses and insecurities. I don't like how I react or how I behave. Constantly fawning, denying my will and wants and needs for hers. I know she feels guilty for needing everything to be exactly the way she needs it (as she tells me all the time).
But if things aren't right, she freaks out. It is a big part of her coping mechanisms to have what she calls "security blankets" which are things like the same tv show, song, food, etc over and over and over. She has been diagnosed as borderline with suspected OCD and ADHD. Could just be a lot of anxious ticks from a lifetime of trauma. Who am I to say?
And I get it and tolerate it and adapt to it as best as I can. The problem is I also have a long list of diagnoses (for both mental and physical conditions) and seem to function much better when following my own regimens and routines within an environment suited to me. And so often what we need is the direct opposite of the other.
When I am stressed, I need to shut off my brain for a little bit. Not talk. Not feel things. Just escape into nature or a movie or a book.
She needs to talk it out over and over so as to cover all bases and every possible contingency. Sometimes in the middle of the night. She will sometimes wake me up to discuss a possible scenario that might happen in a week or more. She can't help it. The thoughts are invasive. She doesn't even know that she is talking at top speed about how what she would do with all of her dad's stuff should he die or in what order she should handle her chores tomorrow.
If I ask for quiet she will try for a few minutes. She will really try. But she can't help it. Though now since I've asked for quiet, threaded into her stream-of-consciousness discussion are apologies for talking and angry defenses of it, as if I yelled at her to shut up or never let her talk. Which is, of course, what her parents would do to her.
And I am pretty good at listening. I like hearing people talk. But sometimes it makes me anxious because I don't know how long it'll go on. Or irritated because we will have 6 minutes left of the show we're watching, but something will remind her of her mom and so she'll pause it and talk for 45 minutes. Sometimes what she talks about is a horrific memory of her childhood that will sometimes make me cry (which makes her feel guilty) so I try to be empathetic and neutral while my insides are reeling.
So I tried to break up. And she wept and wept. And begged me to stay. And for a day or two fawned over me and told me how much she loved me and appreciated me. She even watched 2/3 of Fellowship of the Ring with me. And the extended edition too, which was very generous of her.
But then we pretty much immediately fell back into the old patterns. Of course we did.
I intended to head to my friends in Maryland and get my head on my shoulders, but for personal reasons, they need some space right now.
I reached out to my friend in Texas who lives in a vegan/Christian commune sort of thing, which I have stayed at a time or two in my travels, but we kept missing each other and it started feeling like a bad idea. What was I going to do in Dallas? How would I afford to leave there?
I thought about trying to keep traveling. But my little old car is on borrowed time. And I never built the passive income I have been trying (but too depressed and anxious) to build all summer.
So for a couple days there. Maybe more. Things were just real bad. Like you know, really bad. I had no money, a part-time job at a bookstore that pays me $300 a month, and nowhere to go, but also felt like I couldn't stay where I (still) am.
But then, out of the blue, I finally got approved for Medicaid. I haven't been to a doctor in years. Or a dentist. Or an eye doctor. God, or a therapist. I could get all of that now.
If I stay in Oklahoma.
And then after months of applying for any job I could, I found kind of a perfect one as a weekend security guard. From 6 am-6 pm on Saturday and Sunday, I watch a closed factory with no people in it save for the odd person working overtime or a cleaning crew. I can read, write, watch movies, whatever I want. Just as long as I'm sitting by the gate and walking the perimeter every few hours.
And it is enough, in theory, for me to afford my own apartment (albeit with no furniture, plates, cups, a bed or anything, since I gave all that away for van life).
I got hired last Thursday. Started this last weekend.
And so now am again bracing myself for another terrible conversation.
I will tell her that I think it is best if we both live alone. Better for each of us individually. Better for us as a relationship. I will tell her that I think it is best if we are friends, but I understand if she doesn't want that.
I don't know when I will tell her this.
It is not so much a fear of how she'll react so much as it is a weary experience of knowing exactly how it'll go down.
I do love her. I hate the idea of hurting her. But this as it is simply cannot last.
11:52 a.m. - 2022-09-20
Recent entries:
Not Much, You? - 2023-01-29
The Precarity of Poverty - 2023-01-22
Tempted - 2022-12-29
The Guard Shack - 2022-12-18
Not Dead, Just Not Writing Much - 2022-12-14
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
alethia
swordfern
similar
jim515
warpednormal
gr8legs
loveherwell
greenstar7
holdensolo
cindylou03
lust-
bantenhut
i-am-jack
musicman575
comebacktome
aryssa90
i-lost-sarah
hexes
newschick
stardumb
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
movingsands
meffinmisfit
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
creme-egg
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
littlesushi
darkly-blue
reevo
dooki
dagkyo
buddyboy5
obijuan
u2october
mojo1915
nudeplatypus
alwaysinhim
baby--girl
krunkjazz
poetinthesky
spittingame
dudemanflab