The other night I had trouble sleeping so I stayed up and read through some of my entries on here. Then I read through some of my professional type writings.
I enjoyed the ones on here a lot more.
I don't really know why. Maybe these are more straightforward, honest, blunt. But I don't even know if that's true, let alone the reason for my enjoying them. Maybe it's because these entries are me at my most solipsistic. I can write about whatever the fuck I want on here. Even if it's nothing but me complaining about my lack of sex life or whatever. It's mine and for me and if other people enjoy it, that's cool, but ultimately irrelevant.
This, for example, is a pretty dumb entry so far. But I am not going to delete it. Purely out of principle.
And now for a sudden segue:
As much as I hate people who go around calling themselves "empaths," I think I am one. I am at least a highly sensitive person. I tend to absorb the energy of whoever is around me. If I am around them for long enough, I become them.
It makes sense then, that I always want to be alone. Other people are too unpredictable. And I am pretty damn volatile on my own.
And fuck me, the people I am staying with right now are stressed and depressed and unhappy. I love them deeply, I adore their kids, I enjoy spending time with them. But I am absorbing their energy and it's reminding me a lot of where I was at this time last year and how close I came then to the end of everything.
I am still fine. I am not all spirally or defeated, but I am feeling depressed and sad and unsure of everything.
And that's not a great feeling.
But the good thing about being a traveler is that wherever I go next will have all sorts of new emotions to feel and neuroses to discover. I really think this is a big part of the major transformation that I have been going through. I am learning to be out in the world again and maybe, just maybe, am learning to help people some.
I am even thinking of getting a degree in counseling or spiritual direction or something. But that will require me to learn some more self-care skills lest I get all sucked in to problems the way I am doing now.
Fuck. I don't know. I don't know what I am doing or what I am feeling or whether up is down or what.
I am beyond ready to hit the road again.
Too long in one place is no good for me.
10:09 p.m. - 2018-07-10
Recent entries:
Hello, Bri - 2018-08-30
Denver - 2018-08-23
Miss Philadelphia - 2018-07-20
- - 2018-07-17
Maryland Emptiness - 2018-07-13
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