I feel empty right now in a different way than when I felt empty in California.
Then it was a mystical emptiness. It was the loss of ego and attachment, a realization that I am nothing and everything all at the same time. That I was no visitor to the cosmos, that I was not separate from it, but rather a part of it. The universe was not cold and threatening, but warm and enveloping.
That's a good kind of empty.
But the empty I feel now feels just plain empty. Hollow is probably the right word. Useless, impotent, bottomed out.
It's not that the California emptiness has ceased to exist. Right now, I am in a messy living room while children are literally screaming around me and to me and climbing all over me. And I feel fine. The temporariness of everything keeps me in a good head space personally.
But my Maryland emptiness still feels profound. No matter how connected and elevated and transcendent I feel, I have no resources for how to extend that grace to others. And so what good is it?
I had this idea, this naive dream, that the peace I had gained for myself would emanate out of me like a wellspring. That it would be contagious and infectious. That any room I enter would somehow have a different light to it, would be more calm. I imagine this very much was the case for people like Buddha, Jesus, Fred Rogers and others.
But the kids are screaming and the parents are screaming and I am sitting here like a goddamned useless idiot. Typing away as if nothing was happening.
Maybe that's just how things go. Maybe people are responsible for their own shit. Maybe we are all so blind to our own suffering and have to peel the blinders off our self.
But still, I want to help. I want to create calm. At the very least, I want to inspire people to begin to remove the scales of their own eyes. Not because of anything I am or because of me at all, but because they can see through me to the greater whole. That they can see themselves there too.
It's a noble goal. I believe it requires more. Not more striving necessarily, but more surrendering. More availability. More brokenness and emptiness and ego death.
I don't know.
In the meantime, I just want to get high and make out all day. There's a particular enlightenment in that too.
9:35 a.m. - 2018-07-13
Recent entries:
High in Iowa - 2018-09-03
Hello, Bri - 2018-08-30
Denver - 2018-08-23
Miss Philadelphia - 2018-07-20
- - 2018-07-17
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