She asks me what I want.
She tells me it is important to know what I want and then to do it.
She tells me I am not getting younger.
Grad school, she says. You should do grad school.
You'd make such a great professor.
I know you are thinking about being a counselor, she says,
do that.
You should apply to grad schools this fall.
Then you'll have until April to decide.
Apply to grad schools in Philadelphia.
We can do dinner parties and you can meet my friends
We can go to plays
to movies at the park
She makes her own pasta.
She made me a pie and scones
all from scratch.
she gives me back rubs
and asks what I am thinking
and not just in that polite way
which is actually just waiting for her turn to talk
But she wants me to choose a life
some career
monogamy
middle class intelligentsia
And I want to run wild
bohemia
unsettled
unkempt
unconventional
And choosing what I want
implies that what I am doing now
cannot be what I really want
that I am not enough
not living up to my potential
Fuck
maybe I am not.
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
It's not that I was only looking for sex
She was worried that she was just one of many
a different woman in every port
And her worry isn't entirely unfounded
But I care about her
(I care about Redding, Portland, and Richmond too)
I don't want to hurt her.
But I hate feeling confined
directed
controlled (outside of the bedroom, at any rate)
Maybe I am just afraid of commitment
maybe I am just waiting for commitment to seem worth it
The distance will help
In a matter of days
I will be half a nation away
perspective
space to process
maybe its fear
maybe I need to return
maybe I need to choose the responsible route
She is right.
I need to know what I want.
The funny thing is,
I thought I did know what I wanted.
Until she came along.
Now I am torn
between
running away
(as I always, always do)
and someone who cares deeply
(but still wants me to change)
I need my three day drive to Colorado more than anything.
8:28 p.m. - 2018-07-20
Recent entries:
Still in Florida - 2018-09-17
I guess we will walk then. - 2018-09-12
High in Iowa - 2018-09-03
Hello, Bri - 2018-08-30
Denver - 2018-08-23
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