I have realized today that I have really been suffering for a while.
And yes, that really did just hit me today.
For the past three years I have worked seven days a week while going to school full-time, but have still have been constantly on the verge of homelessness, sometimes skipping meals, most times eating cheap and non-nutritious food.
I have spent the vast amount of that time alone. The ramifications of that being a heightened sense of social anxiety and a sometimes warped view of reality.
My chronic pain has gotten worse, sometimes leaving me shaking and unable to move. Right now, the pain is intense.
I have suffered near constant rejection from almost every woman I have pursued. Sometimes even used and taken advantage of.
I have gained a lot of weight. I have lost contact with my closest friends and now feel like I don't really have any at all.
Just random faces on Facebook and lovely people that encourage me on here (thank you. You've helped more than I can say).
I couldn't afford the GRE or grad school applications, so now my dreams of being an academic are at least an extra two years away.
I really don't know what I am doing with myself and have no solid plan for the future.
Things have been kind of shitty.
I have been doing my best to keep my head up and keep a positive spin on things.
I have meditated and read Alan Watts and repeated mantras and affirmations.
I even made a fucking vision board.
But I am finally going to admit that things have just been shitty.
And though I don't have an answer or way to turn things around, I do know one thing:
I deserve to have some fucking fun.
And god damnit, that's exactly what I am going to do.
It's high time I let loose.
Now how exactly do I do that?
8:36 p.m. - 2016-12-29
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