I suppose I'm fine. I'm doing my best right now.
I have told people that I am feeling suicidal. Not many people, just my therapist and a friend who could sense that something was up.
It feels more real when you say it out loud.
I am in that weird place. I know I am not going to do anything to myself, but I also don't have a lot of fight in me.
I have isolated myself almost completely. In the month since graduation, I feel like I've hung out with someone maybe once. Tonight I was invited to two separate parties, but decided not to go to either.
Partially because my stomach is all fucked up. Sharp pains, bloating, nausea, etc. It really does feel awful.
But I know that I wouldn't have gone to those parties no matter what.
I am trying to socialize on my own terms in a way that I can kind of control the experience. I am organizing a philosophy/politics/religion discussion this coming Tuesday night.
I know that I went with this idea because people can choose to attend or not and it will all be fine because it won't be directly and explicitly about hanging out with me.
My therapist had suggested that I just invite friends over to my house and drink wine and listen to records. I scoffed at the suggestion. Somehow I don't really feel worth the effort of hanging out with.
So a philosophy discussion night was the best I can do at the moment.
Baby steps, I guess.
I am not sure if this entry even makes sense. My stomach is twisted in knots and my feet are cold.
But luckily even when life feels unbearable, there is still sleep.
7:26 p.m. - 2017-01-14
Recent entries:
What happened in Vegas did not stay there. - 2017-02-05
How Papo Got His Groove Back - 2017-01-28
Four More Years - 2017-01-23
Resemblance - 2017-01-22
I am feeling... - 2017-01-19
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