I realized a few minutes ago while shaving that I am beginning to look like my father.
It's making it hard to look in the mirror.
It makes me feel even less attractive than normal.
It is a face of anger and resentment and smallness and insecurity.
I want to cut my face up so it looks different. This is not the face I want.
And I know that I am not my father.
I am broad minded and intelligent and compassionate and empathetic and attentive and creative.
My father would not have gone to the women's march yesterday.
But I had the great honor of standing 100,000 others as we marched the city of Denver, celebrating the feminine and vowing to protect it.
If nothing else, I know I am trying to be a good man.
Both my therapist and my manager at work say that I will be an amazing husband.
Maybe, I say, but I am clearly a lousy first date.
But that's irrelevant.
I am trying not to think about dating or love or any of those things that I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember.
I am just trying to acknowledge that I am in pain. That I am bleeding out. I am trying to focus solely on my healing.
I want to be a good man.
I want to be better than my father.
I want to stop being angry at my father.
I want to go a full day without thinking about my death.
Our thoughts manifest our reality.
I am doing my damn best to think of wonderful things.
But my feelings always betray my thoughts.
Step by step.
Day by day.
It is my birthday tomorrow (Mon, Jan. 23).
A time for change. A time for newness.
5:10 p.m. - 2017-01-22
Recent entries:
A long rough draft of the memoir. Seriously, it's super long. - 2017-02-12
I am a bit blown away - 2017-02-11
What happened in Vegas did not stay there. - 2017-02-05
How Papo Got His Groove Back - 2017-01-28
Four More Years - 2017-01-23
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