Tonight my friend Heather asked me to go on a walk with her. I knew why she asked.
I had let slip a few days ago that I have been feeling deeply undesirable and unlovable. She is one of the more enlightened people that I know and had shared a video with me about being mindful in relationships.
I told her that I appreciate the thought expressed in the video, but the idea of being in a relationship seemed impossible to me right now. I told her that I can't even get a second date, let alone some deeply intimate relationship where we bear our souls to each other.
So I knew that our walk would really be a talk about my insecurities and the pain that I have been feeling. I looked forward to hearing her perspective.
We walked by this beautiful lake and I told her much of what I have written on here. That I have been feeling this deep longing to be loved but have felt that I am doing something wrong that keeps me from it.
She told me about her relationship and how she was experiencing similar feelings.
As we talked, dark clouds moved in overhead. Before we knew it, we were soaked by the rain and sat in her car to wait out the storm.
As we sat there she asked me if there was something that I do, some sort of ritual, that made me feel confident and attractive and sexy after experiencing rejection. She said that she liked to dance alone in her apartment. That always made her feel better.
I told her there were things that made me feel confident, but that I have never felt attractive or sexy.
"what? never?"
"not really, no."
"what about with your past girlfriends?"
"I am pretty much always surprised and kind of dumbfounded."
"surprised that they want to have sex with you?"
"yeah, I mean why would anyone ever want me?" I said it with a certain degree of incredulity. Like why was she making me say something so obvious.
"Do you not think you're handsome...like physically?"
"Not at all. I think I'm smart and a good listener and that's really all I have going for me."
"I think you should try on the idea that you are actually a very good looking man. I was really attracted to you the first time I met you, you know."
I was tempted to draw attention to the fact that she used the past tense, but instead remained silent.
But she kept giving me affirmations. Telling me how I was one of the kindest and most sensitive men she knew. That I am beautiful. That I am sexy. That I deserve love and good things.
She said it until I broke down crying. I cried for a very long time. The rain pouring down on her old car. Some song I have never heard playing softly in the background. She held my hand as I wept.
Eventually we parted ways.
Maybe I will try on the idea that I am attractive.
I definitely don't believe it yet.
10:35 p.m. - 2016-08-30
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