I am picking myself up today.
Trying to at least.
I feel a real tension within me and I don't know how to find the balance.
I want to live and enjoy life and not be at all concerned that I am doing so alone and with few friends.
But I also have to acknowledge that deep human need within me that yearns for connection and intimacy.
I am a romantic with a lot of love to give. That's a deep part of who I am and since that part of me has no outlet for expression right now, it hurts. I have to expect that pain. To sit with it and accept it.
I also want to continue working on myself and become a wise and compassionate and fun and great type of dude.
I am a bodhisattva, I told myself earlier, I am a spirit brought to the world to bring life and compassion and peace to others.
But I have to let go of the idea that I am working on myself so that I will finally be worthy of love.
I have to let go of the idea that I am broken and unwanted.
I don't know how to do that yet.
Somehow I have got to learn that even though I don't have love now, I am still worthy of it.
And my job isn't to pursue it or pine for it or obsess over my lack of it.
My job is to live life as fully as possible and enjoy every moment of it that I can and to become a force of healing for everyone I encounter.
So much easier said than done.
Even now I feel the pangs of loneliness creep up beside me.
It will probably still be sometime before I can learn to greet it like an old friend and teacher.
6:57 p.m. - 2016-09-25
Recent entries:
The Sufferers - 2016-10-24
My thoughts today. - 2016-10-17
It's a start. - 2016-10-13
So done. - 2016-10-08
Casual Sex - 2016-10-04
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