I told my therapist that my thoughts have been obsessive and I can't seem to stop them.
All about love and what is stopping me from receiving it.
Do I not make eye contact enough?
Do I not go out enough?
Should I ask more people out?
Should I stop looking and just wait for her to come in to my life?
Maybe if I lost weight.
Maybe if I cut my hair.
I just need more confidence.
Why don't I have more confidence?
Am I talking too much?
Am I too aggressive?
Am I not aggressive enough?
And so forth and so on. There has to be something that I am doing wrong.
And I told my therapist that I have been wondering why I am so attached to the idea of romantic partnership.
It is often one of the first things I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night.
Throughout the day I just feel this deep sense of loneliness in my gut.
That pain is unpleasant. I want to fix it. So then I start thinking about what I am doing wrong. It consumes my waking life. It really does.
My therapist said that it made sense to her that I would have such a longing.
She said that it seems I have struggled with this all my life. That I have wanted nothing more than to be fully accepted and embraced for who I am. To truly be fully loved.
I didn't get that from my parents and I haven't really ever experienced it in life.
I told her that's why I think I work so hard in school and work so hard on self-improvement and spiritual growth.
I want to prove myself worthy of love. I want to prove that I belong.
But of course that's not working.
We talked about how I feel stuck in this loop.
My desperate need for love is unattractive.
Which causes women to push me away.
Which confirms to me that I am not worthy of love.
Which makes me more desperate for someone to love me.
So I can't get love until I no longer need love.
And that feels very unfair to me.
All these people who don't need attention or affection or touch are just swimming in abundance of it all.
Maybe taking it for granted.
Where I feel like I am starving, diminishing, losing my humanity.
Because I need, I am denied.
I am trying to love myself. I am getting better at it. I genuinely like who I am and think I am a pretty great guy to spend time with.
But that self-love seems to really only extend as far as the door to my apartment.
It is here that I feel safe.
The outside world seems hostile and uncaring. I may love me, but it feels like those people out there never will.
When I force myself to go out I feel invisible. I have to duck and dodge to keep people from walking into me.
My therapist and I, we talked about this.
But we didn't get very far in coming up with a solution.
She just acknowledged that this is how I am feeling.
I told her I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to move past it. I want to be connected to a larger cosmic whole.
I want to enjoy my life.
But I am still not sure how to break free.
6:48 a.m. - 2016-08-28
Recent entries:
How Does Your Garden Grow? - 2016-09-23
Breakthrough - 2016-09-10
Thus Quoth Linkin Park: "I am one step closer to the edge..." - 2016-09-07
Fuck - 2016-09-06
Attractive - 2016-08-30
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