I seem to be most attracted to difficult and demanding women.
Behaviors that would (and should) make most people leave a relationship, only make me press in further.
I once lived with a girl who would refuse sex with me and make fun of me every time we were with friends. And I seriously considered proposing to her.
I dated Alayna for a year, but it was ten months before she would allow me to call her my girlfriend. She told me repeatedly that we were incompatible for a long-term thing, and that we were incompatible because of things like my lack of strength and financial status. And that just made me want to prove to her that I could win her over.
But I should have left. I should have stood up for myself.
And now there is Nina. I can't even type her name without smiling. I am about to write disparaging things about her, but still am so smitten that I know already that I am doomed.
Nina is, by far, the most beautiful woman I have ever been with. Mesmerizing green eyes and a perfect body. If it were just that, I'd be fine.
Beauty is not as rare as we make it seem. Beauty alone is boring.
Nina is not just beautiful. She is incredibly smart. She is finishing up her master's in Art History right now. Our conversations are magnificent.
She is also one of the funniest and most fun people I have ever met. She is great fun to be around. She livens up a room. She is truly enchanting.
I've had a crush on Nina for as long as I've known her. We work together at the museum. After Alayna and I broke up, I decided to pursue her.
Our first date was this last January. It was perfect. A heavy blizzard knocked out the power to our whole neighborhood and Nina and I kissed in the silent luminescence of snow.
And then, abruptly, she left. Just as things were getting hot and heavy.
I saw her again a few days later. Her body language indicated interest. But when I leaned in for a kiss, she seemed to not notice and gave me a goodbye hug.
And that is how it was from January to May. We'd hang out and have a great time, but nothing physical would ever happen.
She has her reasons for this. They are good reasons. But still, it is a confusing thing.
And she is busy too. Legitimately busy. She works at two art museums, is a Teacher's Assistant at one college, teaches Art Appreciation at a community college, and is working on her dissertation.
Usually when a girl tells you that she is "too busy" it is a euphemism for "not interested."
Nina may or may not be "too busy."
It's hard to tell.
I give up on her because I won't see her for weeks or because she will take days to respond to my texts, but then she'll show up again. Just as charming and enchanting as ever. And sexy. Oh god, I ache with desire for her.
About two weeks ago, she accompanied me out with some friends. Drinks were had. And in her drunken state we had sex.
I repeatedly asked for consent, especially since she always had turned me down before. She give consent enthusiastically.
"You always touch me and it feels so good," she said, "now I get to touch you back. I want to touch you."
Two days later, we had sex again. Sober this time. It was amazing. Our bodies connect in ways heretofore unimagined.
We have had sex four times now.
When I am with her, it is perfect. She tells me how much she wants me. How smart I am and how attractive. It feels like the beginnings of a relationship. A good one. I feel joy around her. And joy is not something I usually feel.
But then she is busy. Legitimately busy. After our week of amazing sex, I have only gotten to see her once.
She is finishing up her thesis, now she is in New York.
I guess I won't know anything until she comes back. Things will slow down some for her then and I'll be able to see where here interests are.
I might just be nothing but an occasional hook-up. I might just be repeating the pattern of loving women who keep me at arm's reach.
But damn it, what if this time is actually something good?
How can I know until I know?
6:14 a.m. - 2014-05-25
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
i-lost-sarah
aryssa90
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
meffinmisfit
cybers1ut
the-grey-one
movingsands
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
nudeplatypus
mojo1915
baby--girl
cindylou03
alwaysinhim
greenstar7
krunkjazz
dudemanflab
spittingame