Today is my friend Michael's 13th wedding anniversary.
Which means that today is also the 13th anniversary of my very first kiss.
I made out with a bridesmaid at his wedding. It was very awkward because we were both in our early twenties and had never kissed anyone before.
She just kind of sucked on my bottom lip. She did it with such force that it actually kind of bruised and was numb for the entirety of the next day.
I kept my eyes open the whole time and never moved my face.
To top it off, Tenacious D's "Fuck Her Gently" was playing on the radio and it all happened in my friend's parents fifth wheel trailer, because that's where my friend was living at the time.
He was at one end of the trailer reading a Playboy magazine and smoking a joint, all in a concentrated effort to seem "edgy and cool."
My friends Zak and Chris were on the floor watching the movie Bottle Rocket.
And the bridesmaid and I were on the couch, touching each other nowhere except lips on lips.
13 years does not seem that long ago,but yet I spend this last weekend having sex with a stranger that I met through a phone app.
To say I have come a long way feels like an understatement.
Just out of curiousity, I am going to do a little math:
I have actually lost count of how many sexual partners I have been with, but I am guessing it's close to 40.
And though that breaks down to roughly 4 a year, for around 7 of those years I was in monogamous relationships.
And since those monogamous years only account for 5 sexual partners, it seems that I have had sex with an estimated 35 people over a period of just six years.
That's an average of six people a year.
According to Slate's "sex history calculator" which I just used, I have had more sex than 90% of my peers.
And given that the average American male loses his virginity at 17.1 (according to CDC), I have accomplished this with 5.9 less years than most men have.
That's kind of bonkers. I really have never thought of myself as a lothario. In fact, I have always seen myself as a little nebbish and shy and unattractive.
But shit, those numbers don't lie. Unless I am way off in my estimated amount of sexual partners, and I don't think I am, I have had a crazy 13 years.
I don't personally think this means anything. I don't believe there is an "appropriate" number of sexual partners a person should have and if they cross that line they become immoral or degraded.
I also don't think that this somehow makes me a "stud" or somehow more of a man.
It really means nothing more than that I have a high sex drive and probably a hell of a lot of commitment issues. But we knew that already, didn't we?
What I think it really shows me is that I am completely different than who I once was.
And it's obviously way more than just sex. Or drugs. Or better music. I am fundamentally different than the zealous and pious preacher who did not know what he believed but was awkwardly consumed by lust in an RV thirteen years ago today.
It has been thirteen years of trauma and exploration and beauty and pain and loss and soul searching and confusion and severe depression and poverty and more joy than I could ever describe. And yeah, apparently a lot of sex too.
I don't think I can say how grateful I am for all of those experiences. I am grateful for my evolution. I am grateful that I am still evolving.
I don't know what I will transform into next, but whatever it is it will guide me to my more true self.
But for now, I am going to give myself a break. And look at the wonderful view from where I stand.
And also look at the incredible trail I have climbed so far.
6:59 p.m. - 2017-06-26
Recent entries:
Hey, thanks everyone - 2017-07-28
Even at Rock Bottom, One Can Still See the Stars - 2017-07-26
The New Normal - 2017-07-24
Mountaintop - 2017-07-04
Honor the Sacred - 2017-06-28
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