I am feeling sad today.
Deeply and mournfully sad.
And I consider that a good thing. For the last few weeks, I haven't felt much at all. I have been so down and so overwhelmed and so unmoored that I have just been sort of blank. Numb.
The fact that I am feeling sad means that I am feeling something. It means I am starting to connect with myself again. Maybe that means some relief is coming soon.
But then again, the car that I borrowed from a friend after my car broke down also broke down today. I am again having to walk to work at 5 in the morning. There was this seminar on attachment theory up in Boulder tonight and I was super excited to go, but couldn't because of the car thing.
It's a bummer.
Due to it being January (the slowest month for retail), my hours at work have been cut significantly. So I am again at the precipice of homelessness. It was nice to at least have a month free of that stress. I feel it creep back onto my bones like an old and familiar coat.
Alysson, the girl that I had significant feelings for, that made out with me before revealing she had a boyfriend, who then soon after broke up with said boyfriend and told me she was interested, but just "needed to catch her breath." This Alysson told me this morning that it's best that I "put her out of my mind." That's she is never going to date me.This made me feel quite dispirited.
But hell, now that I typed all that out, I feel like I kind of dodged a bullet there. She seemed so emotionally healthy. But maybe I was blinded by that red lipstick and those low-cut sweaters. Maybe I was blinded by just the sheer desperate need to be loved.
Either way, it hurt. But it doesn't hurt as bad now.
But what's really getting me is that I am just not writing. This is it. This is my shot. And unlike Alexander Hamilton, I have so far just been throwing it away.
I need to discipline myself.
But that's hard when I know I should be looking for sustainable income.
It's hard when I am literally just trying to keep myself alive.
Maybe I am being too hard on myself and need to slow down and love myself better and just spend some real time seeking emotional healing.
Maybe everything works the way it is supposed to and in its own time
Maybe I can let some walls down. Let a few friendly people in.
I don't know.
I am feeling sad. I am feeling exhausted. I am feeling frustrated. I am feeling lonely. I am feeling uncertain of everything. I am feeling immense physical pain throughout my body.
But I am feeling.
It's a step in the right direction.
7:36 p.m. - 2017-01-19
Recent entries:
Getting out of my own way - 2017-02-11
What happened in Vegas did not stay there. - 2017-02-05
How Papo Got His Groove Back - 2017-01-28
Four More Years - 2017-01-23
Resemblance - 2017-01-22
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