Today I turn 36.
Four years from today, on my 40th birthday, I plan to kill myself in Big Sur, California.
I have never been to Big Sur. I do hear it is nice.
I have also never read the novel Big Sur by Jack Kerouac, though I hear it is his best work.
I just like the idea of Big Sur.
I like the idea of walking into the ocean at dawn, never to be seen again.
I will wear a suit.
I will wear a black suit with a black tie.
There are parts of me that wish for an alternate future.
A future where, on my 40th birthday, I will be held dear by someone who loves me. A future where I will have written something that has transformed someone. A future where I have hope and wisdom and am needed and wanted and loved.
I like the idea of that future. I want that future.
Here in the present day, all my friends are digital.
So many birthday wishes via social media.
I can recognize that I am loved.
But it is all abstract. It is all distant. It is all just text typed from a phone while you are going about your day.
I drank alone. I wasn't going to do anything, but my friend insisted on at least getting together for drinks. I opened up the invitation on Facebook. Maybe I should have invited people directly, but didn't really want to get all the texts about why people couldn't come. Then my friend that insisted on drinks cancelled because he was having a tough day.
So I drank. Checked Instagram. Checked Facebook. Saw all those digitized birthday messages. Thought about Big Sur.
I do sincerely believe good things are coming my way.
But I also doubt that I will be able to survive the waiting.
Happy birthday, Papo the Clown.
The well loved boy who spends all of his time alone.
7:48 p.m. - 2017-01-23
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How Papo Got His Groove Back - 2017-01-28
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