So there's this woman. We were in my senior seminar together and have been friends ever since.
She is funny and quick witted and smart and we have like everything in common. We both love Neil Diamond and the Marx Brothers and think Deep Space Nine is the best Star Trek series (after the original, of course).
Last fall, she proposed that we have a no-strings-attached, friends-with-benefits type situation.
And I turned her down.
I told that I wasn't wanting a strictly sexual relationship right now. That I was wanting something with the potential to become more real and long-lasting.
And that was true.
But I also just wasn't feeling it with her. I couldn't really say why. She's cute and possesses so much of what I am looking for in a partner.
But I just didn't feel it.
Well, about a week ago, she asks me out again. So we have coffee and go for a walk and have a great time.
I knew that if I invited her up to my place she would have gone. I think she really wanted to be invited up to my place. She even told me that was curious what my place looked like.
But I hugged her and said goodbye.
Tonight, she sent me a message on Facebook saying that she wanted more than just a casual flirtation.
And I told her that as of right now I am feeling more of a familial and friendship vibe with her than romantic or sexual. That I was sorry. That the idea of dating someone so similar to me kind of scared me.
She hasn't responded yet. But I feel terrible. I get rejected a lot, so I know how shitty it feels. I tried to be kind. I hope I was. I feel like I was direct and honest.
But ugh. Shit. I hate it. I hated having to do it.
And it makes me wonder if I am rejecting her out of fear that she could be someone that I get serious with.
That I am being the poster boy of the anxious-avoidant attachment style.
I don't think that's the case. I am pretty sure I am just not feeling it. But still I wonder.
Especially since I so badly want someone to build a healthy and long-lasting (though possibly also non-monogamous) partnership with.
Am I only attracted to chaos and dysfunction right now? Is that why I feel nothing for this normal and attractive person that would make a great match with me?
Or are we really just not a good match and I am right to trust my instincts?
I guess it doesn't matter now. It's done.
I hope she is doing okay. I hope she isn't bothered at all.
8:52 p.m. - 2017-03-14
Recent entries:
A Metaphor for Sadness - 2017-04-09
The Social Wallflower - 2017-04-04
Kind of a Weird Day - 2017-04-02
row, row, row your boat - 2017-03-29
Feeling Good. - 2017-03-18
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