Several days of ice storms followed now by several days of snow.
I just look at the weather and it is -6. And I was glad to see it had warmed up some. It was -20 last night.
I know if I was back in Colorado it wouldn't just be a random two weeks of this in between 50 and 60 degree days. So I am not complaining.
Somehow even though I don't really have a job and have been in lockdown for nearly a year now, a snow day (or a snow two weeks) really allows me to ramp up the laziness. It must be some hold over from the school days of youth.
A snow day means you don't read. You don't work (even though I work from home). A snow day means you watch The NeverEnding Story and drink hot chocolate and take naps.
Which is what I've more or less done for the last week. But I still have another 6 days before it will be above freezing and am starting to go a little stir crazy.
Even before this current storm, I have been finding myself unmotivated and unproductive.
I have good ideas now and have a good direction to go for the book. Things I definitely don't have when I am depressed as I have been recently and is often the case with me.
And I think, maybe, that I don't want to act on my ideas too soon. I just want to hold them and relish the fact that they are here. Putting them to work is hard. Writing a book is hard. I'd much rather just think about doing these things. Daydream about what it feel like when its done.
Sometimes I feel that my interior life is rich and vibrant that my physical life is rotting away without me even realizing it. Or as someone said of the enneagram 5W4 (which is me), we can spend so much time thinking about life that we forget to live it.
Ultimately I am just deeply afraid to put myself out there again.
I fear rejection. I am more afraid of success.
My anxiety is the invisible cage that I know is there, even though I rarely push against its walls anymore. I just sit in it.
Which is why I like snow days because it is a time when I am "allowed" to not do anything. As opposed to all the other times when I am not doing anything but really trying to motivate myself. Less guilt on snow days.
But the time has come. The time has come and went more than once.
I want to start living again.
Just not today.
7:41 a.m. - 2021-02-15
Recent entries:
Abstract Expressionism - 2021-04-15
Soul Tornado (that sounds like a Christian book title, doesn't it?) - 2021-03-29
The Letters - 2021-03-13
The Last Time - 2021-03-04
The Lady of Louisiana (it's long, but hopefully readable) - 2021-02-17
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