I wasn't planning on writing on here today.
I was just going to catch up on all your entries, you lovely sad beautiful humans.
But here I am typing, so well see what happens.
My car maybe had an oil leak. Or just a problem with excessive oil consumption. I really needed to check the oil every time I refueled, but I didn't. It was always low when I checked. I should have checked it more.
Depression, trauma and this god damned quarantine year sure make my brain fuzzy though and I forget to eat sometimes, let alone check the oil in my car.
I assumed it was low, so took it into a shop. I was due for an oil change anyway, so might as well refill the oil that way. On the way there, it started making some awful noises. Started shaking real bad at every stop light.
I told the mechanic this when I took it in. I told him I was worried and asked him to check it out. He says he did. He did not.
A mile and a half down the road from the corporate oil change place (with the worst customer service), the car started making a lot of noise and shaking again and then at the top of a steep hill in rush hour traffic, my car drew her last breath.
I had to put it in neutral and roll backwards against the onslaught of honking cars swerving around me until I could get it onto a side street.
Where I then waited for 4 hours for a tow truck.
Then waited 3 days for the mechanic to tell me what I already knew. That the engine had seized and would have to be entirely replaced.
Another few days trying to find a person and a place that can replace my engine without making me destitute. Most said it was not worth the cost given how many miles I had on the car.
So then the attempts to sell the car while trying to navigate a city that is not pedestrian friendly. Getting rides back and forth across town. Until finally a buyer. But wait, where's the title? I can't find it.
So then an afternoon at the DMV.
But the title was never properly transferred when I got my Oklahoma plates. I have to contact Colorado for the duplicate title.
After a few phone conversations, I discover that I have to mail a form to the Colorado DMV and then they will mail the title to me.
Which is where I am now, trying to find a place where I can print out the form that I need to fill out so I can get it in the mail today so that I can sell my car (for an amount that's not even enough for a down payment for something) and get it out of the shop where it has been sitting for over a week now.
I was already in a pretty bad place emotionally and mentally so the stress and uncertainty and frankly, the loss has been through the roof.
My jaw hasn't unclenched in days. My whole body is just pumping out cortisol like crazy. I feel tense and dissociative and unfocused and unwell.
But the thing is, I have options. Really good ones, in fact.
My brother has been rebuilding a camper van that he was planning to flip and offered me a discount on it.
Which is exactly the thing I have been dreaming of. My goal for this year was to be fully self-supported as a writer and artist and fully nomadic.
This van is the a big step in that direction.
I was just about to ask, so then why is my body so tense and stressed?
But I know.
A step in that direction is a step into more stress and anxiety and fear. There are so many risks involved. I haven't been functioning well. I don't feel ready. I am still not making money consistently as an artist.
And the stress of the sudden loss plus the stress of an uncertain future are pressing against each other, turning my insides into a tornado.
I am able to step outside of it some. To be the observer. To recognize what my body is doing and why it is reacting the way it is.
I am being gentle and loving with myself even though I want to rain down shame on me for not taking good care of my things and being solely responsible (outside of that neglectful mechanic) for being in the situation where I am.
I am not letting myself beat myself up.
But my body is still in a lot of suffering. My brain isn't really working. I know it just needs time.
Which is why today, after I finish these next few sentences, I am going to get on a bike and go for a ride along the river walk.
And I will try my best to meditate and recite affirmations and feed myself.
This is a part of everything.
And everything is fine.
8:03 a.m. - 2021-03-29
Recent entries:
I got interviewed in a thing - 2021-05-21
The Defeated Loner - 2021-05-18
An Open Marriage to Solitude - 2021-05-11
Secret Admirer Unmasked - 2021-05-02
Abstract Expressionism - 2021-04-15
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