I am in a hotel room in Denver.
The curtains are closed. I am in a t-shirt and underwear. I am listening to the playlist that Liz made me. The song that is playing right now is I Can Change by LCD Soundsystem. It's a good song.
I think if I recap my day it will nicely recap my last week or however long it's been.
This morning, I woke at 5 and watched the last of the stars disappear from the slanted windows of my brother's earthship. If you don't know what that is, google it. They're neat. I sat by the fire and cuddled with his dog and watched as around 15 deer grazed in his front yard.
Fucking amazing.
I then drove the hour or so back to Denver, using back roads with Bob Ross level mountain scenery and listening to the playlist that Liz made me.
Then I parked in a random parking lot, smoked a giant bowl, took a few deep breaths and got to work.
First, the issue of glasses.
I somehow knocked mine of the dresser the night before and they snapped completely in two. Superglue didn't work on them and tape is real clumsy. I don't remember my prescription and the eye doctor I normally go to is now out of business.
But a friend told me to text a friend and it seems like I will be able to get a free exam and free glasses. I am waiting to hear back, we'll see.
Second, I texted Liz.
She had texted me during my drive back to Denver, apologizing again for disappearing again.
My last entry is mostly about her. We had a date but she didn't show. I didn't hear from her for five days.
Five days that she described as a non-ending panic attack where she locked herself in her room with all the lights out and talked to no one.
And yeah, I get that. I do that. I did that for the months leading up to my stay in the hospital. The stay in the hospital where I met Liz.
So I empathized and listened and instantly got over my hurt feelings and briefly got to laugh at my anxiety ("See? You were wrong for once, you bastard").
I invited her to do something at night.
She said she couldn't make it, countering with the offer for an early morning coffee hangout.
I hate the term "friendzone," but yes, one would think she is signalling for a more platonic friendship.
But yet, she made me a playlist.
God, I feel like I am in junior high.
But listen, when she sent the playlist she said that she is shy and nervous and awkward and doesn't know what to say, but she finds that she can express herself through music. Listen to the songs carefully, she says.
They were intended for you.
I honestly did not know there were so many songs so explicitly about sex.
And not just sex. But deep, soulful, passionate connection. Sultry songs with dark rhythms.
I told her I loved the playlist.
She said she meant every song.
even this particular song?
especially that song.
I quoted the more explicit lyrics to her.
She replied "yes, sir."
Some nights she wants a story.
And I text her something tender and lightly erotic.
The literary equivalent of gentle kisses around the belly button.
Sometimes she shares with me the color and fabric of the underwear she is wearing.
Grey lace.
Burgundy and black cotton.
Red silk.
Never any pictures.
I have not asked. She has not offered.
Never any further description.
Just color and fabric.
I listen to her playlist and dream and dream and dream.
But then when we meet for coffee in the mornings. She is adorably shy and anxious. Beautiful though. She always dresses so nice. Amazing lipstick. Great smokey eye. A perfect tease of cleavage.
I touch her hand and I can feel enough electricity to power the southwest for decades.
But then she pulls away and starts talking faster, her eyes darting everywhere, anywhere but at me.
We walk to her car. She gives me a hug that feels like a supernova. I take her by the hips, I pull her back to me.
She looks down and away.
I let her go.
She drives away.
An hour later she texts.
Black silk.
And so we've been texting since I've been at my brother's, but she needed a day and took it and today texted me back.
I told her I'm back and was looking forward to seeing her.
She said that she can't wait to see me that she's been thinking about me non-stop.
I suggested tomorrow.
She has not yet responded.
So waiting for glasses.
Waiting for liz (the rest of this won't be nearly as long as promised. But those were thoughts worth getting down in my humble opinion).
Next up was to go to the social medias to be like:
"hey, I need a place to stay and some kind of way to make an income for roughly twenty days."
Because I had to be out of my last place on the 28th
And was planning to stay at my brother's until today (the 5th)
And then head down to New Mexico to do some writing and thinking and exploring with my good friend and fellow lost soul artist for a bit.
But then I got rear-ended while at a stoplight in a snowstorm.
And as a Lyft driver, I kind of need the car, you know. So as to make money that I could then exchange for food and shelter.
But the universe was like nope, so my car will be in the shop for three to four weeks (or longer) and I am now stranded in Denver without a place to stay or a way to make an income.
Waiting for glasses.
Waiting for Liz.
Waiting for the social medias to come through.
Then I went to a particular hotel booking app (they don't pay me, so I won't say) and found me a nice hotel for pretty cheap, and even though I don't really have the money, nor do I know when I will have money again, I got myself a room for the night.
Because I have some super major hardcore social anxiety and staying at people's houses makes me deeply uncomfortable and I never get real rest but that's how I have been living for over a year now, I take hotel nights on occasion.
I check in as early as possible. I shut all the curtains and I watch fucking movies by my self and sleep amazingly well and have a little strength for the upcoming stretch of discomfort.
Today is a hotel day.
After this, I am done thinking.
March is going to be fucking weird.
And April...
Well, I'll just have to tell you about April at another time.
4:46 p.m. - 2019-03-05
Recent entries:
A Ramble. - 2019-06-19
63 Days Since My Last Entry? Holy Fuck. - 2019-06-11
Hometown Tulsa - 2019-04-08
This Place Fits Like Your Old Favorite Pair of Jeans. - 2019-03-21
9 Days - 2019-03-19
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