I am still in Texas. God, forever in Texas. I leave on Monday and that feels like ages away.
I have had a girlfriend for a month today.
The thing about having a girlfriend is that I now have to be aware of what I am feeling at all times.
Because she asks.
And I have to say something.
And saying I don't know always feels insufficient, like I am holding something back.
That makes it sound like it's her fault.
Let me start again.
The thing about having a girlfriend is that I am becoming painfully aware of how moody I am.
I am so up and down right now that I feel like different people throughout the day.
I don't know why I am feeling like I am feeling.
What's worse is that I don't know how long my mood has been switching so violently.
It is only in having a girlfriend that I talk to a couple of times a day that anyone has noticed that this is the case.
I hurt her feelings a lot.
I make her cry.
I feel like shit for doing it.
Sometimes it's on her end, simple misunderstandings or insecurities or her just having a bad day.
Sometimes it's entirely on me.
I can just be a dick sometimes.
I want to blame that on mental illness. I want to say that because I have been alone so long, that I sometimes forget to be mindful of the needs of others.
But sometimes I think I am just an asshole.
Or rather, I am just an asshole sometimes.
It's infrequent, I think (I hope), but occasionally I get all overwhelmed with thoughts and sensations and other people's emotions (that I can't help but absorb like a sponge) and then I find myself curt and sarcastic and very cutting.
Like I be fucking mean.
I am one of those people that can read other's insecurities well and I just silently pick them apart. And it's brutal.
I usually stop myself quickly, because I feel bad and I see (and feel) how badly they are hurt and then spend the next week beating myself up over it.
But that's a thing I do sometimes.
And I don't know why.
I don't know why I am feeling like this now.
She is beautiful and compassionate and supportive and great.
And I am an asshole.
I know she doesn't think that.
I know this is all just my depression talking.
Maybe.
Who the fuck knows.
What is reality anyway?
9:26 p.m. - 2018-11-16
Recent entries:
It's Going to be Okay. - 2019-01-30
This Post Has All the Trigger Warnings (Seriously Though, Be Careful) - 2019-01-24
I hate feeling like this. - 2019-01-18
I am so lost right now. - 2018-12-12
brain full of static. - 2018-11-29
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
holdensolo
loveherwell
lust-
bantenhut
nudeplatypus
comebacktome
musicman575
i-lost-sarah
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
meffinmisfit
movingsands
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
i-am-jack
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
mojo1915
dudemanflab
aryssa90
baby--girl
alwaysinhim
cindylou03
gr8legs
greenstar7
krunkjazz
spittingame