I write this in a Colorado basement.
So much to say.
So hard to get the words out.
Where to start?
Let's start with God.
I was born into a particular place in the world at a particular time in human history and development to particular parents who suffered particular traumas and were taught particular lessons about how best to live a life and who saw through some particular lies, but completely fell for others. And these particular people have particular ideas about what God is and who we are and I, to the best of my knowledge, had no choice about being placed under their care and instruction as an infant.
I was also given at birth a particular temperament and perhaps a few other innate virtues and characteristics. I was certainly given a genetic structure that made me more vulnerable to a variety of disease and physical impairments. I wear glasses. I have asthma. I have autoimmune disorders that cause chronic pain. I have severe mental illness that impairs my ability to think rationally and make wise decisions.
These things are true of every individual. We are all born with this pre-ordained set of cards. All of these things utterly beyond our control.
Think about how much of our lives are already predetermined just by those factors alone. Short people are rarely presidents or CEOs. Women and people of color even less so. With things compounding as they add up.
Our height, skin tone, the make up of estrogen, testosterone, dopamine and other chemicals and hormones in the body, the social position and worldview of your parents, all serve to mold you into that which we call personality.
So much of me was me before I ever make my first significant decision.
Not to mention all of the subconscious and primal impulses pumping through our brains all the time. Our survival instincts always making us crave fat and salt and sex, while always making us a little edgy that something is coming from around the corner.
Not to mention that all of the above facts about myself have been compiled and aggregated and sold to marketers and salespeople and corporations and governments.
That they have made algorithms to make advertisements to release an emotional response with the intended effect that it will change my behavior. Leaving me unsure just how many of my decisions are actually my decisions.
But somehow, through all of this, there is God.
Or there isn't one.
How can you know?
How can you know anything?
I have been so entertained this last year by the notion of mysticism, of finding some transcendental experience that would connect me to the greater cosmos.
But is that merely a response to the failures of institutionalism and decline of empire? Is it possibly just a psychological defect resulting from the combination of abuse, trauma, laziness and drugs?
And what if I never find this meaning? Never connect to some higher plane? What if that higher plane doesn't even exist? What if acid is just a drug. And the idea that we are living in illusion to some higher form of existence is the illusion itself.
What if all we are is actually dust?
Am I just high?
Emphasis on the word "just" there.
I know I'm high.
But am I high and also on to something?
Prognosis: Doubtful.
I think I am more than the sum of my influences. I believe I have made significant choices. I believe those choices have been the bigger influence on the course of my life.
I think.
Fuck man. I don't know.
It's like the difference between a lazy n'er do well who never amount to much and just does drugs in people's guestrooms and isn't even trying to find a job
and a visionary poet philosopher who decided to form his own path and find God in the wilderness of the American suburb, becoming a famous writer and community builder in the process.
I don't know which I am.
Maybe I am both.
Maybe I am neither.
Does it even matter which is which?
11:08 a.m. - 2018-12-12
Recent entries:
Waiting - 2019-02-19
Still in the Shit - 2019-02-08
It's Going to be Okay. - 2019-01-30
This Post Has All the Trigger Warnings (Seriously Though, Be Careful) - 2019-01-24
I hate feeling like this. - 2019-01-18
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