I've been thinking about my dad lately.
He retired last April. He and my mom are RVers now. They live in an RV so they can travel around the country. Except they don't travel around the country. They parked in a KOA place up here in Colorado all summer. Now they are spending the winter in Arizona.
They just stay in one place.
My mom says that my dad also just stays in one place.
Since he retired, he apparently wants to do nothing but sit in his chair and watch westerns and Fox News.
My mom thinks he is depressed. I know he is.
Because I know my dad. He threw himself entirely into his work. I think he was trying to prove himself worthy. To whom, I don't know exactly. Maybe just to himself. He neglected my mom and my brother and I so that he could work. He worked all the time.
It is safe to say that my dad never learned to have fun.
In fact, I am not entirely sure I have ever seen him smile. Not a genuine smile anyway. He always looks kind of miserable. Like he is in pain.
I know what that looks like. I see it when I look in the mirror.
We both have chronic pain. We don't bond over it.
Because in addition to not knowing how to have fun, my dad can't connect to himself in any meaningful way.
He is not prone to self-reflection. Or Hell, maybe he is. How would I know?
I am thinking of my dad tonight because I am afraid of being him.
I am freaking out about my needing to wait a year on grad school because of the work. I need the work. My identity is tied up in it. I have given up a social life so that I can excel in school. Why? For what?
To prove myself worthy. To me, if no one else.
That's why I have decided I am going to learn how to have fun.
I am going to learn to dance. And pick up a few other useless but totally fun skills. I want to have adventure and genuine smiles. I don't want to stay in one place.
I also want to be deeply connected with my self and my body. I want that to resonate out of me.
And above all, I want to learn a different way to be a man.
Not domineering and aggressive and detached like him.
I want to possess true strength and a healthy power.
I want to be the uncommon man. The one in balance with both masculine and feminine energy.
The warrior poet.
The philosopher king.
I want to live.
I want to live differently.
I have no idea how to do any of that.
7:30 p.m. - 2016-10-13
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