This entire semester (and maybe the last one) has been a struggle. Not academically, but emotionally.
Financial aid and student loans were cut. Where I would normally get something close to 3,000 dollars in financial aid, I only got 1,500 this semester.
Which means that though I work two jobs while in school full-time and doing an internship. Working seven days a week, usually upwards of ten hours a day. I still can't afford to feed myself or pay my bills. I switched weekend jobs this week, so things will finally be a little better.
But my phone and internet will be turned off any day now and it will be two weeks or more before I am able to turn one of them back on (the other will have to wait another pay period).
I borrowed $300 from a friend so I could pay my rent. I don't know when I will pay that back and I now how money destroys relationships.
I am also incredibly isolated due to my schedule. I don't get to see anybody. I don't get to do anything fun. I feel guilty for every moment of relaxation I give myself because I am behind in school and need to work.
There are women who find me attractive, but I can't afford to take them on dates and even if I could I wouldn't have the time to do so. Which is fine, I guess. I can be alone for a while longer. I just hate seeing opportunities pass me by.
And pain. I don't talk about it much, but I am in constant physical pain. My body is screaming at me now. I can barely move. Nothing touches it. No pills or miracle cures. It's just constant, chronic pain. Genetic. Degenerative.
All of this I am carrying. I carry it all alone.
But still, no matter how strong my depression and anxiety has been, I have still been able to smile and be genuine and caring and fun most of the time. Most of the people I know do not know of any of this. I like that I have been able to stay mostly positive. I like that I've been fighting and pushing through this as best as I know how.
I am really breaking at the seams though.
I am losing the fight.
I am really not okay.
And there is absolutely nothing to do about it.
Except wait for something to ease up.
I don't know if I can make it.
7:07 a.m. - 2016-04-11
Recent entries:
Now I Can Finally Shut Up About it - 2016-05-03
Jesus. Fuck. I am tired. - 2016-04-29
sleepy - 2016-04-25
I write a little, I flirt a little, I eat a lot of junk food. - 2016-04-20
Under Pressure - 2016-04-17
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