So much of life is just learning what you already know.
I fucked her and it was fun. It was a flirtation that had existed for a long time. Mostly just texting, infrequent at that. We tried to go out once back in November, but our schedules never worked out.
but last week we saw a movie and ended up making out in the parking garage.
And for seven days we escalated our flirtation. We exchanged pictures. We described in detail what we would do to each other. We masturbated while on the phone together.
And by Friday our plans to hang out had become just an appointment for sex.
We didn't even make it to the restaurant.
She came up to my apartment and we fucked for several hours.
She was a selfish lover, but I didn't care.
I liked watching her tremble.
I liked how my beard was soaking wet.
It wasn't until after that the problems came.
I told my co-worker the next day that it was a mistake. That I should have never had sex with her.
When he asked why, I explained that after the sex I was desperate for her to leave but she refused to go; literally clinging to me as I walked her to her car after several hours of me telling her that I really needed to get to sleep.
"ugh, chicks always do that shit, man"
But he had missed the point of what I was trying to say.
It was a mistake to sleep with her. Not because she didn't want to leave, but because I wanted her to go.
I don't want to ever have sex with someone that I don't enjoy as a person ever again.
I am not against casual sex, but I am against meaningless sex.
What I want, what I am after, is more than just an orgasm. I can do that far cheaper and more efficiently myself.
What I want is connection.
Something real. Something spiritual.
And maybe that can't happen outside of a relationship. I don't know.
Perhaps I should save myself until I find someone worthy of an actual loving long-term thing.
I know I probably won't though.
Because I am still learning what I already know.
That what I want is love.
And the mirage of sex just makes me more thirsty.
10:55 a.m. - 2015-08-09
Recent entries:
Little stabby feelings in my stomach - 2015-09-28
The Ghost of Emily - 2015-09-23
Maybe we are all just selfish assholes - 2015-09-18
Lonely - 2015-08-23
New Jobs - 2015-08-19
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